Faux Pearls of Wisdom by Jim Hagerman

Carnival Of Souls-The Lost KISS Album?

2011-07-21T15:24:00.006-04:00

Carnival Of Souls is the red-headed stepchild of the KISS catalog. It may be KISS' most divisive and misunderstood album of their career; even more so than The Elder, arguably. Some fans dismiss it as an attempt to simply cash in on the "Seattle Sound", the grunge vibe that was at the top of the charts in those days: heavy down tuned guitars and darker socially relevant lyrics. Others, like me, see it as just a more mature, heavier KISS ( I know, I know, who the hell wants MATURE KISS right?) and an exciting change in direction. Sure, I suppose there could be superficially some elements of the grunge sound there, but it still sounds like KISS to me. And let's be honest, KISS has always chased the latest trend to a certain extent; let's not forget the disco pop sound of 79/80 or the slick hair metal sound of the late 80's. Even their original heavy blues rock sound in the '70's was purely of the times. They've always channeled what was going on around them to one degree or another.

As if the criticisms from some fans isn't bad enough, even Gene and Paul like to deride the album as a failed experiment. Although, I do tend to take Gene and Paul's assessments of their own work with a huge helping of salt; they tend to trash and attempt to minimize anything that they deem unsuccessful. The Elder was a commercial flop when it was released in '81. Yet, it's become a fan cult favorite. But getting them to acknowledge the album in a live show is nearly impossible. So in true KISS fashion, if it didn't make money, it doesn't get played.

Carnival Of Souls came at an odd time. For the first time since Lick It Up in '83, the unmasked version of the band (which included Bruce Kulick and Eric Singer) had regained it's hard rock footing with 1992's Revenge. For me, it was glorious time. KISS quit looking like a bunch of Vegas whores with cheap perms and got back to basic black leather, scraggly hair and bad attitudes. Their sound nastied up again and the live show contained alot of classic material largely ignored during the hair metal heyday of the '80's. It was the most KISS like they had been since they removed the make-up. The Kulick/Singer line-up proved to be the most versatile incarnation of KISS ever. Gene and Paul were more focused than they had been in years, Kulick had been let loose from the typical slick '80's shred playing shackles he had been placed in previously and was really getting a sound of his own and Singer brought an unbridled vitality with his drumwork. And I was excited as hell as to what they were gonna do next.

As '95 came and went, I had heard rumblings that their latest recordings were much heavier and darker than Revenge was. I, of course, could not have been more delighted. That's what I wanted from KISS again..the teeth. At this point in their career, I just wasn't looking for yet another ode to their cocks. Been there done that. I even heard some song titles: "Hate" "Jungle" "Childhood's End"..I liked what I was beginning to hear about the upcoming album! But of course, in came 1996 and we all know what happened that year: the KISS Reunion bomb was dropped on the planet. Ace and Peter walked back into the fold and all activities with the Bruce/Eric line-up were indefinitely put on hold, including the release of the newly recorded album.

But we KISS fans are resourceful and it didn't take long for a bootleg version of the new album to surface. It was going around with the title Carnival Of Souls. So I got my bootlegged cassette copy of it and immediately fell in love with the album. It was everything I had hoped it would be: a focused, heavy, incredibly written and performed, creative KISS album. Not long after, due to the unreal success of the Reunion Tour, it was announced that Bruce and Eric were out of KISS for good. It officially ended one of the best line-ups in the band's history and putting the prospect of the album ever being officially released into limbo. As exciting and magical as the Reunion was, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss that this amazing album may never officially come out and that we'd never get to see the line-up that recorded it play any of it live.

Carnival Of Souls finally did get it's official release though. It was quietly put out with no fanfare on Oct. 28, 1997. It was titled Carnival Of Souls: The Final Sessions with a simple cover of the band in the studio. There was a super cool cover originally planned for it (a creepy leather S&M mask, with fire leaking out of the open zippers) but they let their rights to use it expire. "Jungle" was released as a single and did fairly well. I heard it on the radio quite a bit actually. I haven't heard a new KISS single receive as much airplay since. But that was the extent of the promotion for it. Talk of the reunion album with Ace and Peter was in full swing at that time and Carnival Of Souls was pretty much ignored by Gene and Paul and treated as an afterthought. It was essentially stillborn.

The album now occupies a space in Cyber Kissland where fans like me endlessly laud it's merits and others treat it as the plague. It's still a top five KISS album in my eyes. I hold it up as a relic of the time KISS surpassed my expectations and their own cliche's to deliver something I feel is truly special. Once they decided to go back to the old reliable arena anthems and "fuck me, suck me" formula when they put the paint back on, the adventurous spirit displayed on Carnival Of Souls was laid to rest.

Sure, I realize ragging KISS for singing songs about banging girls and how amazing their penises are is like ragging on water for being wet. I'm a KISS fan, so naturally I have an utmost affinity for the pocket/rocket and knees/please tunes of their golden age. I still listen to those and still cherish them. Always will. KISS' foundation lay upon poon tunes. But as I got older (and as they did too) hearing guys reaching AARP age continue to write about the joys of young tail got a bit old and, well, kinda creepy. And rather hackneyed as well.

What COS represented to me, at the time, was band that was comfortable with who they were and who didn't need to rely on the cliche's of their past. Obviously, I may have been wrong considering how quickly they ditched that whole direction in order to dress up and sing all those old odes to their love guns again. And they made millions doing it. Again. So naturally when they did Sonic Boom a couple of years ago, it was a "classic" style KISS album with plenty of schlong references like "tower of power" and talking about getting "all up inside". A looonnng way from the more pointed and articulate criticisms of life, religion and the human race on COS tunes like "Hate", "Jungle", "Seduction Of The Innocent" and "It Never Goes Away". Instead of more tunes about family bonds and friendship, like "I Will Be There" (for Paul's then newborn son Evan) and "Childhood's End", we get Paul Stanley (a married man almost 60 and father of three) still trying to sound like a swinging single guy out for a lay on a Saturday night and Gene Simmons spinning more yarns about hot women that can't resist him as if his pot belly, wig and two kids don't exist.

Evolution isn't always a bad thing. Blackie Lawless from WASP began his career in '84with the single "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)". Then in '89 he put out the more socially conscience The Headless Children album. It was a huge step up both musically and lyrically from anything he did before. And he ran with that direction since. And those albums are among my favorites in their discography. Hell, today he doesn't even play "Animal" live anymore.

Yeah, dark and serious was never the KISS thing. They've long been the clown princes of decadence and fun. That's why we all liked them to begin with. They ultimately are a soundtrack to the good times in life and maybe aren't suited for a long career of deep-thinking. And I can't really fault them for going back to what made them famous (read: money) to begin with. But for a time, it was nice to see the band evolve and move forward into uncharted territory for them. And they did it brilliantly. So let's hear it for the KISS-era that never was. It may not have been as popular as what they did end up doing with the Reunion, but I would've been satisfied if KISS finished out their days putting out albums like COS and playing smaller places. Creatively, it was far more interesting than the "Remember all that stuff we did before? Well, here it all is again" approach they've taken since.

God Stuff Part II: The Christian Persecution Complex

2011-06-30T16:12:00.008-04:00

Recently, I had a small exchange with somebody about NBC leaving "Under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance. This writing isn't directed towards that person, but the more general attitudes the short conversation brought to mind.

They expressed that the powers that be are in a constant push to eliminate God from our lives and Christians should stand up and let themselves be known with a loud, unified voice against this supposed attack on their faith. While I can appreciate being annoyed at the exclusion of "Under God" (even though it wasn't in the original pledge at all. It was written in 1892, adopted by Congress in 1942 and "Under God" wasn't edited into it until 1954. But that apparently is beside the point), I find the idea that Christianity in this country is being threatened with extinction rather silly. But then again American Christians love a good persecution complex; after all, martyrdom goes with the whole Christ thing. There's no greater martyr icon than Christ on a cross.

I single out American Christians because the kind of uptight zealotry I'm talking about seems to be a product solely of the Land O' Uncle Sam. It may not have been invented here but it has been perfected. Citizens of other countries have said as much. Sure every nation has it's zealots and extremists, but when it comes to good old fashioned obnoxious Christian evangelicalism, we take the cake.

And before I go further, I'm not trying to paint all Christians in this light. Far from it. I know some damn fine Christians that I'm proud to associate with. They are humble, giving, accepting, non-judgemental and peaceful folks. Sadly, they seem to be an anomaly among the majority. So this is directed to the rest of the masses I encounter.

To my eyes, Christianity is well represented in this country. Christianity is the biggest religion in the world and the U.S. has the largest number of Christian citizens in the world. Not a bad start. Stats like that take you right to the front of the line. There's not a single day that goes by that I'm not reminded of some body's Christian faith. Just walk down the street: Churches on every corner, crucifix pendants around many a neck and rear view mirror, vanity plates and bumper stickers praising Jesus (In fact, the Virginia DMV is now going to be making available "In God We Trust" plates), businesses with those little Jesus fish on their signs like some sort of secret code, Christian Family Bookstore chains in large shopping complexes accessible by all major roadways, people on street corners (and sometimes even knocking on your door) handing out Christian literature and at Christmas time, there are large groups of folks who will walk around in public singing Christian Holiday songs to anybody who will listen. And sometimes people will even throw money at them for it. MONEY! Not stones, spears or knives but sweet, sweet green.

I see tattoos all the time, openly displayed, of Christian images: crosses, Jesus, angels, saints..I've even seen a couple people with a crown of thorns tattooed around their heads.

Turn on the radio or TV. There are multiple stations and channels dedicated 100% solely to the Word. People like Joel Osteen fill entire STADIUMS with the faithful. And he profits handsomely from it. Legally. Songs like "You Light Up My Life" and "Jesus Take The Wheel" have been number one, best selling songs. And let's not forget a film called "The Passion Of the Christ" that was kinda popular.

How about our government? Churches have power where they aren't even SUPPOSED to have any. Separation of Church and State is largely ignored. The Founding Fathers (who were DEISTS, not Christians...look it up) were explicitly against having clergy involved in political affairs. It's only logical they were touchy about that. They just fought a little war of independence (you may have heard of it) to combat, among many other things, the theocratic power of the Church of England, who cheerfully imposed rules on the colonies such as that missing a certain consecutive amount of days of Church warranted jail time. Yet from the very beginning, the clergy began exerting their influence in political matters. There were to be no official religious tests to hold office, yet unofficially, even today candidates have to claim a Christian set in order to be down in the 'hood to have hopes of even being considered for an election. There's not alot of openly Muslim, Hindu or (gasp) atheist folks on the halls of Congress or the White House. Christmas receives a Federal holiday as does Easter; we don't get any days off for Hanukkah, Kwanza or Ramadan do we? Hell, the biggest Christmas Tree in the nation is in Washington D.C. every year. Churches also wield an influence in government decisions and candidates, yet they are exempt from paying taxes. They get to have their cake and eat it too.

That doesn't seem like persecution to me and it sure doesn't reek of victim hood. It sounds like Christianity has the lion share of freedom and influence when compared to everyone else. When I think of religious persecution, I think of the Middle East, where you can be jailed or killed for showing expressions of the wrong faith in public. I think of the Holocaust where millions were slaughtered because they believed the wrong thing (btw, when Hitler was done with the Jews, he was going after the Catholics next). I think of the Crusades and Spanish Inquisition where Christians themselves murdered and tortured those of opposing beliefs. How about the Jesuit priests who came over to this new land to bring the message of eternal love through torture, imprisonment, thievery, rape and execution to the Indians?

I don't view reminding Christians that while they want people to respect their boundaries, they need to respect others as well to be oppression. Hordes of Christians with signs, yelling angrily at somebody entering an abortion clinic? I see oppression of some body's birthright to make their own reproductive choices. When I see Christians rallying to stop same-sex marriage, I see oppression of civil rights. When Christian groups seek to teach creationism in schools and attempt to block scientific advancements such as stem-cell research, I see oppression of intellect and progress. When they attempt to ban books, music and movies I see oppression of creativity and choice. When I see them oppose other people's constitutional rights to freedom of speech and religious freedom, I see the oppression of a civil and free society.

And I don't count banning prayer from public schools, the ten commandments in courthouses or nativity scenes from the front of government buildings as an assault on faith. Sorry. They don't belong there. Having reasonable boundaries is not a raping of rights. I know Christians generally have a hard time with the word "no", especially when it prevents them from steamrolling over everyone else. But there are countless other unhindered ways to express faith in this country...they don't have to hog them ALL. Also, by the way, saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" isn't an affront to God either. There are other major holidays in December besides Christmas. It's just a nice way to include everybody without making assumptions. While we're at it, though I celebrate Christmas, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I was told "Happy Hanukkah". Let's be adults and accept the kind sentiment behind the words instead of getting hyper about technicalities.

It seems like Christians have never gotten over being fed to the lions in Rome all those years ago. They've carried that underdog mentality with them to this very day, even though they've taken over most of the world. It's a very militant mentality. It's in their language when they refer to themselves: "Soldier Of Christ" "God's Army, "Prayer Warrior" etc etc. It only reminds me of what Robert Ingersoll said: "If there be an infinite being, it doesn't need us to defend it." But what more do they want, honestly? Bibles delivered to every home like phonebooks? Is their current slice of the ecclesiastical pie not big enough? There's not much left to take, really. They already have the most influence, privileges and funding of any religious group in the country. I thought charity was an important virtue..leave something for somebody else. I think many modern Christians are too busy trying to be Christians rather than trying to be like Christ. There is a very real, and very huge, difference between the two.

So, Christians, let's just calm down shall we? Stop being afraid you're going to be kicked out of the sandbox. You won't be. You know why? Yes, you may be the loudest, biggest kids in the sandbox shoving all the other kids around but you can't be kicked out, because you also own the damn sandbox. Nobody can make you go anywhere. You've elbowed your way to the front of the buffet line and are there to stay. So sit down, eat your food and quit whining; nobody feels sorry for you. And is writing letters to television stations for what they did or didn't say really the best use of your spiritual energy? Does God really need the airtime that badly? Are you protesting for God or for your own need to be validated? It just seems to me those tightly clasped hands that are praying unceasingly for somebody you recognize you as a righteous Christian could be better put to use doing something for the poor, hungry and ill of our society. All this other stuff seems superfluous by comparison doesn't it?

I challenge you to put your Christ where your mouth is. Instead of standing outside a clinic waving signs at some frightened and ashamed teenage girl trying to scare her into keeping the baby her scumbag father may have impregnated her with, why don't you go visit an orphanage or the child cancer ward of the hospital? Those children are already here, very scared and very alone. Instead of espousing terror, anger and bile at people you don't even know, go give THOSE kids some hope and love. Go spend time at a nursing home and visit some people whose friends and family have all passed on and left them behind. Feed somebody who may not have eaten a decent meal in months. Quit worrying about how other people are worshipping (or not) and keep your eyes on your own paper.

Listen, I'm not out to stop somebody's religious expression. Sure, I'm not religious but that doesn't mean I don't respect other people's right to be. To quote one of our Founding Fathers Thomas Jefferson,"But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." Go ahead, wear your crosses, drive your Christ encrusted cars, build more churches. I see the value in religion; it gives many a person hope and comfort in a harsh, cruel and unfair world. Celebrate and find joy in your faith. I won't even turn the hose on you if you show up on my doorstep to hand me a Bible. I may even invite you in and discuss it with you, there's no reason we can't be friends because we believe differently. But every once in awhile we gotta remind the guy who is talking on his cellphone in the theater that there's a time and a place for everything. Having the right to own a cellphone doesn't give that guy the right to use it when it's inappropiate. Nobody is trying to pick on him and take away his phone, people are just trying to remind him to use his manners while he's out being a part of society. So let's all relax and enjoy the movie together before I run this metaphor into the ground even further.

God stuff.

2011-05-27T11:51:00.008-04:00

I don't necessarily consider myself an atheist. I'm more of an agnostic, I suppose. My mind is open enough to consider all the different things and forms a "supreme being" may take. It's also open enough to consider the possibility that there is absolutely nothing else, too.

I recently read a heart breaking story. Earlier this week, on Tuesday evening, May 24 Oklahoma was hit by a number of destructive tornadoes that have been plaguing much of the mid-west this spring. While the head of the Hamil family, Hank, was away on a business trip the savage round of tornadoes leveled over half his hometown. A tornado swept over his house with his family still inside it and his 3 year old son was sucked out of his mother's arms by the winds. A couple days later they found the child's body floating in a lake. His 15 month old son was also killed. His 5 year old daughter was okay and after two surgeries, his pregnant wife Carrie and their unborn child seem like they are both going to make it.

It's stories like these that make me question the existence of the loving, merciful God I keep hearing about and am told to worship. They say God is the Father. Well, down here on Earth, any father who treats his children the way God does would be put in fucking jail. It's really an abusive familial relationship when you think about it. He abuses us and yet we continue to shrink back and take it, "We still love you, Father. We know you only hurt us because you love us so much." Then he slaps you in the ear hole with another open handed slap to see if you'll get back up and still love him for smacking you. Hey, at least he's paying attention to you right? Again and again. SLAP! He inflicts disease, death and devastation upon us. SLAP. Feel the love? And we spend the rest of the time walking on eggshells, wondering what kind of mood God's in from day to day, wondering when the next ass-kicking is coming. Yesterday he punched us in the eye for breathing too loudly while he was trying to watch the game, but today he bought us a Popsicle to make up for it. Because He loves us. Meanwhile we try to make excuses for our black eye by saying things like "He's just testing us" or "there's a higher meaning in all of this...he works in mysterious ways." Thanks for the bloody lip, Dad, I'm sure you were just trying to be mysterious. Don't worry, I'll just tell 'em I fell down.

Then the comments at the bottom of the article: "It was a blessing they found the body" and various "we're praying for them" comments. You know what would've been a blessing? The entire family surviving unscathed. Or better yet, no goddamned tornado in the first place. And keep your prayers to yourself. While I feel the intention is good, it still comes across as just a way to do something while doing nothing at all. "Well, I prayed, I've done all I could do." No, you've only done as much as you were WILLING to do. Prayers don't help dull greif, or rebuild houses destroyed by storms or heal the wounded. ACTION does. Unclasp your hands and get 'em dirty DOING something for somebody else instead of making a silent wish and going about your business. Keep your prayers and give your sweat instead. I can appreciate the spirit in which a prayer is given and good thoughts for somebody else are never a negative thing. But ultimately they are benign if not followed up with an effective action.

It seems to me the God/follower relationship is one of the sadist and the masochist. When I see somebody standing in the rubble of a tornado, hurricane, fire or flood say , "God was with me. He spared us." I think, "Ah, you LIKE the abuse you sick son of a bitch!!" The only thing missing from that picture is a ball-gag and cigarette burns. Why worship something that treats you so badly? I wouldn't work for a guy who was that much of an asshole. And if my Dad treated me like that, it would've been a Menendez scene at my house. We don't tolerate abusive spouses. Why is this type of tyranny tolerated in people's spiritual lives then?? It's like the bully who would leave you alone if only you'd just quit asking for it. He can't help himself.

It begs the question that if there is a God, exactly how involved is it? Did it actually create and send the tornadoes or does it exist to try to comfort us when the shit hits the fan? People call natural disasters an Act of God, so we must feel that it's God that sends these tragedies our way. I mean, if he created the entire universe, it seems to reason that he's controlling the events of it. Unless God has just gotten lazy with the maintenance and the whole thing has just sprung leaks all over the place. In which case, I guess God is just sitting back watching it all go down. Maybe he just jumps in there now and again to keep it from completely breaking down...adds some Bar's Stop Leak to the radiator and sends you on down the road instead of fixing the radiator completely, knowing full well that one day it'll just boil over again and ruin the entire engine.

I'm not trying to stomp on anybody else's beliefs and I truly apologize if you find this post offensive. Admittedly, as a father of an almost two-year old son with another on the way, the story hit me head on and has left me a bit angry at a world where these things happen. So I'm venting. But I also can't help but sincerely wonder sometimes exactly what believers expect out of their chosen deity and how rational those expectations are. Perhaps the Pagans had it right all along: just worship the sun. It gives life. It provides illumination. It gives us food. And it doesn't punish or reward. It simply is there. It just IS and that's all. Our planet couldn't exist or survive without it. Perhaps that bright light at the end of the tunnel is just us simply returning to the energy of the sun?

I don't know, I'm just riffing here. Maybe I have too many questions. Maybe it's not all as complicated as religion has made it. Maybe I'm wrong. But, maybe, I'm right. Maybe someday, we'll know for the first time if we're evil or divine (miss ya, Ronnie). All I have to say is if there IS a God sitting in the clouds, well, with all due respect to whatever it is, I have some serious questions for that mother fucker when I get up there.

Thoughts on being 35.

2011-04-25T09:17:00.008-04:00

An interesting thing happened to me this last weekend. I had just finshed my yardwork (mowing, trimming, etc.), was standing on the porch surveying my handiwork and feeling the contentment of a job well done. Then I noticed those feelings of contentment were stronger than usual...almost TOO strong. Have I reached the point in life where my lawn is the yardstick (pardon the pun) for my middle-aged Dad productivity? I expect my officially issued black socks and sandals to arrive anyday now. I'm even starting to look at people wearing sweatpants out in public and am thinking, "Why the hell not?" Truly scary times.

I've been talking about planting bushes in front of the house for a few years now. I've always put it off as I always had more exciting things to do. But this year, as Spring was just suggesting it was ready to be sprung, I was at the Garden Center in Lowe's buying bags of mulch, fertilizer and boxwood bushes. 4 of 'em. And I spent the better part of a nice evening shoveling, planting, mulching and moving large rocks to line the edges of the beds. And I loved it. Now I find myself planning further landscaping projects. And I am also now the annoying driver who slows down in a parking to gaze at the plant sale that's going on out on the sidewalk. I used to be the guy behind that person, screaming curses for them to hurry the #@**&! up.

I first noticed my slow crawl to full-on adulthood a few years ago as I was driving past my old high school. As of last sumer, I was 16 years out of high school. 16 years. That means the kids there now were just being born when I was graduating *shivers*. I saw a group of kids hanging out in the same spot I hung out. And I said, in my out loud voice, "Look at those damn kids." I almost slammed on my brakes so I could compose myself, because as I uttered those words a great understanding came over me: No wonder nobody took what we said as kids seriously..we were full of shit! Was I ever as full of shit as I think those teeagers I'm looking at right now are? YES! I got it, finally. Kids know dick. Sorry, but it's true. Full of idealistic optimism, vision for the future and a much needed dose of naive innocence in this world? Yes. But grounded in reality? No. And I found myself missing the utter freedom of that a bit. As they say, true knowledge brings suffering. At this stage in life, suffering for them is having to be without a cell phone for longer than 2 hours. So then I chuckled and drove on, knowing that someday a group of snotfaced little pricks will be there to tell THEM that everything they liked is lame too. Ah, the circle of life.

35 is interesting. You're at the peak of your 30's and are getting ready to hit the other side of the slope, the quick downward slide to 40. 30 thru 34 are really just your 20's extended. Stretched to almost breaking, really. Before 35, you can still kind of get away with some of the boneheaded stuff your 20's are for. In your 20's, a hangover has a funny story attached to it. The deeper you get into your 30's, more and more your hangover stories become just kinda sad stories. And if you still have hangover stories once you're leaving the 30's, chances are your 40's will be spent in AA.

Other changes happen too. Going away becomes alot more complicated. I remember when I could leave for a trip with literally just an extra shirt and a toothbrush. I'll be fine, let's just DO THIS!! YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH! Now even going away for just one night requires a checklist: prescriptions, antacids, headache medicine (gotta be the right kind, because that other kind just doesn't work for me), my brand of toothpaste, allergy pills (non-drowsy for daytime please), cold medicine and imodium (just in case I get sick while I'm gone), dandruff shampoo, that special bodywash that doesn't dry my skin too much, sunscreen (the skin cancer, you know) and various other lotions, meds and tidbits depending on what other affliction you're dealing with at the time.

Speaking of afflictions, you'll begin to notice more chronic things beginning to pop up. Aches and pains that come from nowhere and stay around alot longer than they used to. When I was 20, I could get hit my a truck in the morning and my bruises would be healed by dinner. Now I stub my toe and I'm limping until Christmas. Your bounce back doesn't quite bounce as much. And medical issues become more common. I got diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease (a thyroid disease) over a year ago. It's a pain in the ass for sure and now I have something to bond with my family over on holiday gatherings, which ultimately turn into a listing of medical maladies they've all dealt with for the year. Now I'm part of the club. And it's nice to belong, isn't it?

On the more serious side of illnesses, you begin to notice the mortality in those you love around you more as you get older. My best friend since high school was diagnosed with leukemia just before Christmas last year (but is doing great now, BTW). I lost my grandmother in 2007. I lost my little cousin in 2001. You begin to see that the time we all thought we had endless amounts of is getting shorter. And therefor gets more precious by the day. So you begin to streamline life. You realize who you want to make time for and who you don't. The bullshit and drama you used to accept into your life has no place in it now. There's simply no time for it. And you find the cliche' of how fast time moves by to be disturbingly accurate.

But, I love being 35. I feel more like "me" than I ever have before. I've accepted my annoying quirks as lovable eccentricites (you learn it's all in how you label things :-) that I look forward to tormenting my wife with when we get older together. I have a son turning two this year and another one due in August that I'm excited to watch grow up. Sure, it's still disconcerting to hear songs you liked in high school pop up on Classic Rock stations and toys you used to play with be re-issued as a "Vintage Series". Hey, time moves on, with or without us. Accept it or don't. Either is fine by me because I've also reached the blissful stage of "I don't give a rat's ass."

So here's to my 30's so far. No doubt I'll look back at them once I'm 40 and say, "Man, I was a dumbass in those days, wasn't I?" Which, hopfeully, means that I got even smarter instead of just growing into a bigger asshole. Stay tuned.

Art Snob??

2011-03-29T08:55:00.017-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm an art snob because my gut reaction to art done on a computer is that it's not "real" art. What complicates this further is I can't really explain to you what "real" art is. All I know is that when I see a pretty picture and find out it's all digital, I dunno...I feel a sense that it's cheating. Cheating in the same way I see a DJ as not being a real musician. Pressing buttons isn't music and it doesn't feel like art to me either.

I'm no dummy, I fully realize the place digital art has in the world today and am trying to remain viable. I'm working against every old-school instinct and preference I have, though. I know, I know, you have to adapt to survive. I'm a Darwinist, so I get it. For the speed and versatility demanded by today's business models, digital art is a necessity. Newspapers and magazines don't have the traditional art departments anymore where people would labor over art boards, cutting and pasting copy by hand, manually cropping photographs and applying the registration marks for the printer themselves. All that is done on computers these days. Same for sign makers, stationary companies, etc. etc. Logos are all designed on computers now too. Which is nice, because lettering has always been my weakest suit when it comes to art. So I fully embrace the ability to do that on a PC.

But I enjoy looking at a painting and drawing that's been handmade. I like seeing the brushstrokes, the pencil and pen strokes. I marvel at the skill it takes to apply smooth shading, uniform lines, the knowledge of perspective. I like seeing the imperfections too. To me, that's almost more art than anything...the humanness of it. Look at an old Calvin and Hobbes book, you can see where the watercolor is just over the outline in spots and where the line value of the outline wavers just a bit. You know he sat down and did it himself. He worked it with his hands, paint, ink and a brush. Many cartoonists use the computer today not just for color anymore but for everything else too. They look great, don't get me wrong, but it's just a bit TOO perfect to my eyes. I like getting the sense that the person who drew something has a little bit of ink under their fingernails.

Currently I'm taking a class on Adobe Illustrator. Like I said, I'm no dummy. I'm attempting to keep up. But I gotta say, when I complete a project I don't feel that sense of accomplishment I get when I complete a painting. I feel more like I successfully and correctly completed a series of commands rather than created art. I'm more relieved that I'm finished than proud of what I've done. There's nothing visceral about it, no connection. When I hand draw or paint something, I can stand back and still "feel" what I did. I can remember how smooth that line went down, how I struggled with that other part, the almost zen like peace of repetitively laying on some thick coats of color or shading. The painting has a tangible texture. I can trace my finger along a brushstroke and feel the ridges of it. I shift and turn the canvas or paper constantly while I'm working. I stand, twist, sit, bend, stoop to get where I need to be. It's a physical experience as much as it is a visual one. And that effort comes out on the canvas. You can see emotion and effort in a stroke. To go back to the DJ analogy, it's the difference between hearing a guitar sample and having an actual living guitarist in front of you with steel strings and electricty under their fingers, hearing what's coming out of their hands through a speaker that's moving air in real time. I think that's what's missing for me when it comes to digital. It's just me sitting, looking at a screen, clicking the mouse and pressing buttons. It's really no fun....nothing is moving except a cursor.

I'm fully aware of the possibilities and convenience computer art offers. You can scan in a line drawing, play with the colors, re size objects, create multiple versions of a work quickly and easily. It's much easier to line things up correctly, make it proportionally correct, center it, reverse it, etc. etc. And it takes a solid knowledge of color theory and design principles to make it all look good. I'll never accuse digital artists of being unskilled. One of my big artistic influences, Derek Riggs (the guy responsible for all that amazing Iron Maiden artwork) works exclusively in digital now. Due to his artistic skill, his current pieces are amazing. But for me, they are still missing something from the days when he was slaving over an art board with a pen and brush.

Many see it as just another medium for artists to explore and there is alot of truth in that. It's the latest tool in the artist toolbox. It's up to each artist to determine it's worth in relation to what they do. As far as being necessary in today's fast paced world, I accept it 100%. As far as liking it..well, I'm not there yet.

Hypocrisy

2010-08-05T11:04:00.003-04:00

Accusing somebody of being a hypocrite is like accusing them of breathing. Hypocrisy is a natural part of human nature. I know nobody who is immune from this fact of life. The problem isn't recognizing the hypocrisy in others, it's recognizing it in ourselves. As I've gotten older, I've realized that people just need to shut the hell up. Seriously. People love to jump up on a self-righteous soapbox, pound their hollow chests and tell others how to fix things and how the world should run. Shut up. Pound yer chest and yell at yourself in the mirror. That's where everybody needs to start don't you think? And yeah, I know I just contradicted the statement I just wrote about telling others how to live their lives. Yes, I'm a hypocrite but so are you.

So how about we have a National Day of Shut The Hell Up where everybody takes their own personal mental inventory eh? Where we all discover we are all hypocritwes, one and the same. A day where the person who rages against a big block business like Wal-Mart yet fills up at a gas station on the way to the protest shuts up. Doesn't he realize that the oil companies have more money than ANYBODY and do more damage that Wal-Mart ever could? Probably not. And he'll probably stop at a Target or a Safeway on the way home. Shut up.

The person who complains about the Immigration policy in Arizona yet doesn't step up to sponsor anyone for citizenship. The person on the other side of the coin who complains about illegal immigrants and how America needs more jobs, yet hires the aliens under the table, tax-free because they are cheap just to save a few bucks. Shut up.

The Christians who spout Bible verses who have next to no knowledge of the origins of that book and who constantly speak of a God of Love, yet use those same words from a loving God to harm, divide and judge other people. Shut up.

The pro-lifers who aren't standing in line to adopt all these unwanted babies and who cry out against abortion but yet are against teaching our children the merits of safe sex (and abistence does NOT work people, get real). The pro-choice people who use abortion as a regular birth control tool instead of using an actual birthcontrol tool. Shut up.

The people who protest gay marriage and call it sinful, yet are barely holding their own marriages together because they are out banging their neighbors or co-workers. Shut up.

The white guys who say they aren't racist yet sweat a little bit everytime a group of black guys walk by their car. And the black guy who complains about racsim yet always feels the need to remind us that he's black. Shut up.

Anybody who rails against one political party, yet blindly follows their own. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Janene Garofalo, Anne Coulter, Michael Moore, Bill O'Reilly.....God, just shut up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!

So let's all calm down and take all of our snappy, pithy bumper stickers off of our cars that let everybody know what we believe and how clever we think we are. I don't care who you're favroite political candidate is, or if you think meat is murder or you're a dickhead hunter. I don't care what church you belong to or if you think Jesus is Lord. I don't care if you just want to Co-exist. Everybody just knock it off. It all seems like just an effort to annoy the person next to them. Life is too complicated to be summed up in a clever slogan on a bumper sticker or T-shirt.

Everybody is breaking their shouldrs patting themselves on their backs. Everbody is talk, talk talking but nobody wants to listen. Everbody loves to point the finger but nobody wants to figure out their contribution to either the problem or solution.

And you know what? It's okay. That's who we are as a species today. A bunch of soft, big-mouthed idiots who when it comes right down to it, are too afraid to be genuinely inconvenienced or put out to really change anything. That includes me. Everybody is willing to go as far as the point of ALMOST being uncomfortable. I think once we all shut up and realize our own inherent collective hypcritical natures, the world would be a better place.

Living Colour review

2009-12-03T08:22:00.009-05:00

Living Colour

The Chair In The Doorway

Living Colour are one of the most underrated and most lethal bands on the planet. Mainstream success has for the most part eluded them because while they have been able to straddle the both the commercial suburbs and underground/indie ghetto, they've more often than not chosen to ignore the safe side of the street and prefer to tread where you need to keep an eye out over your shoulder..the place truly great music is born.

The lads of Living Colour have always had that sublime marriage of perfect pop sensibilities mixed with a crushing heaviness and disregard for convention that often leads them off into free-form, cacophonous sonic explorations. But it's controlled chaos. That the sinister beauty of Colour's music...these boys know what they're doing. If a change or transposition is jarring, then it's meant to be. What may strike you initially as a disconnected flurry of notes or noises will turn out to be the central framework from which the rest of the song is hung if you give it another measure or so. They'll lull you to sleep with a feather one moment and break a cinderblock across your head the next.

This is a band of virtuosos who do everything in service of the song, which can be rare in a band with this much talent. Many times the song is relegated to the backburner, merely serving as the platform for which a musician can showboat and satisfy their own ego. But Colour takes all that energy and puts it into the arrangement, collectively taking the entire band to a higher level. They are a true BAND and a compete sonic experience.

Individually: Bassist Doug Wimbish is the MVP of the album. His use of effects and left of center tones are the perfect co-conspirators for Vernon Reid's guitar playing. It's been awhile since I've heard bass playing this creative. His lines are the meat and potatoes of many of the songs here.

Guitarist Vernon Reid is brilliant as always...unconventional, creative and effective. His use of the intangible elements of guitar playing (noises, tones, micro-tones, scratches, flutters, scrapes, feedback) married with his expert command of odd syncopations, polyrhythms and orchestral way of stacking his lines and melodies continue to inspire and serve the cause of Living Colour without fail.

When you have two forces of nature like Wimbish and Reid in your band, you need elements in it that can yoke and consolidate those energies. And that's what vocalist Corey Glover and drummer Will Calhoun do. While Reid and Wimbish may make you feel like you're flying off the rails with them, Calhoun and Glover give you a focal point to latch onto. Calhoun's somewhat restrained (i.e. not overly flashy) drum playing only serves to intensify what the Reid/Wimbish duo have going on. That's the sign of a truly gifted drummer: he both anchors the song and allows it to fly at the same time. And Glover is able to cut through the beautiful din of his band with vocal melodies that fit in snugly with the quirkiness that can drive the musical pulse of the song. He gives order to the chaos and gives it direction.

Sonically, this album is cherry headphone material. The album is full of direct, bludgeoning riffs played by a band that means what they're playing. It's very focused production for a very focused band. The core of the album is what the four of them are playing together. But there are so many layers and tiny moments thrown in that give a song it's character and that can change the atmosphere of the song in a drumbeat. Little notes, licks and harmonization's that bubble up out of the soup and recede again. At times it's like just the reverb or decay from a note hits you without ever having been sure you heard the original note at all. And what can sound at first like a simple lone melody line can upon closer inspection be three or four guitar tracks weaving around , swelling and deflating against each other. It's a treat to just sit and listen to this with headphones. You realize that as much as Living Colour has the ability to stomp your ass, they also have an incredible sense of the subtle as well.

Songwise, there's not a clunker in the bunch. This is one of those rare albums that keeps me hooked in for the entire thing and I can play it straight through. This is also becoming rarer in today's musical climate where emerging artists are all vying for the one big single that puts them over the top instead of focusing their energies on making the ENTIRE album good.

These are master musicians doing what they do. And they do it with craft, intention and the joy that true musicians have when they are making music together.

KISS Goes BOOM!!

2009-10-07T00:08:00.003-04:00

KISS-SONIC BOOM Review

Usually when a band makes a conscious attempt to recapture the vibe of an earlier period, it’s typically with mixed results. They usually walk the line between original and derivative, or inspired and lazy. They can really recreate that magic or sound completely contrived. With the new KISS album Sonic Boom, they’ve managed to be both completely derivative AND inspired.

If you’re looking for something groundbreaking, completely original and something you’ve never heard before, this ain’t it. If you’ve never liked KISS, this album isn’t going to do a thing to change your mind. However, if you ARE a KISS fan this album is likely to be an answer to your prayers. KISS has gone back and evaluated what has been most KISS-like about the albums of the past. And they have taken all those elements and crammed them into one album. The running commentary from the band during the recording process is this is a throwback to the mid-70’s era of KISS, but this album really plants it’s flag in ‘80’s KISS though plenty of the ‘70’s and 90’s are both well represented.

This is unabashedly a KISS album. Big, dumb, loud arena rock and roll fun. No social commentary or attempts at being “relevant” here. Just big silly anthems about bad girls, good times, great sex and standing up for yourself. Lyrics are cheesy and simplistic in that classic KISS tradition and clichés abound, but if you’re buying a KISS album it’s not Shakespeare you’re after to begin with.

MODERN DAY DELILAH- Strong album opener and one of the best songs on the album. It’s Paul’s best song and also one of the strongest riffs. Surprisingly, for a KISS album, Sonic Boom is short on big memorable riffs. Most of the hooks on this album come from the vocal lines and choruses. It’s not a big, big deal but it is a bit disappointing the riffs are a bit on the anemic side. But this tune is the complete package: big riff, great vocal hooks and plenty of that Paul Stanley swagger.

RUSSIAN ROULETTE- Finally Gene remembers that we actually WANT to hear him play bass and we love it. His bass is front and center for this sleazy bit of classic ‘80’s Gene. For years, he’s delegated the bass playing to others during recording sessions and it’s a great pleasure to hear him finally step up to the plate again. The opening riff reminds me heavily of “Love’s A Deadly Weapon” on 1985’s Asylum album.

NEVER ENOUGH- Here’s where the derivative thing turns negative. The very first thing that screams to mind when the verse kicks in is Poison, as in the band Poison. This is 1980’s hair metal all the way. Paul is one of the most versatile writers in the band, in my opinion. He can write in any style he wants at will. Why he wanted to channel the Crazy Nights style (one of the fluffiest and poppiest albums in the KISS catalog) I’ll never know. Weakest song on the album for me.

YES I KNOW (NOBODY’S PERFECT) - When they talk of the ‘70’s vibe of the album, this is the tune they are talking about. This drips with that Rock and Roll Over/Love Gun sheen. One of the best Gene tracks. I hear shades of “Love’em and Leave’em” and “Mr. Speed” on this one.

STAND- Only KISS could get away with a chorus this big and syrupy. I could hear this one playing in a Disney movie. Yet as grandiose and overly dramatic as this tune is, it’s guaranteed to get every fist in the arena up in the air. This is what KISS is all about...getting fists into the air and singing along in spite of ourselves. Paul and Gene do the classic vocal trade off during the verses, always a welcome touch on a KISS album.

HOT AND COLD-When you combine hot and cold, you get lukewarm. And that’s how I feel about this Gene song.

ALL FOR THE GLORY- Another one of the strongest songs, this one sung by drummer Eric Singer. Singer has never been the weak link in anything he’s ever done and this album is no exception. His drumming is stellar and his lead vocal debut is impressive. KISS has always managed to hire drummers with great singing voices and Eric is a highlight on Sonic Boom. One of the most memorable songs here.Tommy Thayer quotes a few licks from “Parasite” and “C’mon and Love Me” during his solo.

DANGER US- A Paul tune, sounding like it could’ve come from the early ‘80’s Killers era.

I’M AN ANIMAL- The best Gene tune and a big highlight. The biggest, meatiest and heaviest riffs on the album are to be found here. Giant and lumbering in the grand tradition of “God of Thunder” “War Machine” and “Unholy”. A favorite.

WHEN LIGHTNING STRIKES- This is Tommy’s tune on the album. His voice is surprisingly strong and he really takes this one by the horns vocally. The song is very enjoyable with great energy, though I found the music to be a bit on the generic side..very AC/DC-ish .

On Tommy’s playing overall on the album: I’m not going to get into the whole Ace Frehley vs. Tommy controversy here...that’s for another time. I’m just going to judge what’s on the album by its own merits. I will say this: The ghost of the Original Spaceman looms HUGE in Tommy’s playing on this album... He didn’t just drink from the Frehley well, he fell in and drowned. At times, it’s almost as if they just cut and pasted together pieces of the original recordings of Ace’s classic solos. I mean, Ace was a big influence in Tommy’s youth, he played the part of Ace for years in the tribute band Cold Gin and then has played note for note renditions of Ace’s solos with the real KISS since 2003. So I imagine a lot (a WHOLE lot) of “Ace-isms” have melted into his own personal style. But like I said, this album isn’t about creating something brand new, but about re-creating a vibe. To that end, Tommy has done a great job. His playing isn’t very original, but it’s solid, consistent and fits the spirit of the album.

YEAH- Paul closes the album up strong. Another big ‘80’s riff with a big arena “let’s all sing it now” chorus.

Is this the greatest KISS album ever? No, it’s not. But it’s a very fun and enjoyable album that’s been long overdue. And I think that has a lot to do with how this album is being received. I’m very curious to know how this album will rank overall on KISS fan’s lists once the novelty of the first KISS album in 11 years has settled down. This may very well be the last album of original KISS music we’ll ever get and it’s a great way to cap off an illustrious career. It’s not THE definitive KISS album but it does justify that age-old rule of show business : leave ‘em smiling and leave ‘em wanting more. This album does just that.

The Ace Has Landed!: Ace Frehley Anomaly Review

2009-09-20T16:21:00.011-04:00

It's been said that KISS is like a family. People may leave home but they are always a part of it. The original KISS was a family. Gene and Paul were the Mom and Dad; they were ultimately in charge, attempted to keep everyone in line and kept the whole thing going. Peter Criss was your crazy uncle...alot of fun to be around and warm-hearted but one too many stories about him ended with something to do with firearms, an ingested chemical of some kind or a car-crash. But Ace was your cool older brother: he had all the good albums, the best weed, threw the best parties and knew all the latest dirty jokes. He was always a blast to be around but he never got along really well with Mom and Dad and would eventually split from home under not so great circumstances. But even though he had his share of personal demons, you always knew how talented, smart and good-hearted he is and you just keep rooting for the guy to get his shit together someday, no matter how many times he's come close to total self-destruction.

Well, the prodigal son returns! Ace is back and he is sober. Also, refocused and more creative than he's ever been. Anomaly is a record from a man who has come to terms with who he is, what he's done and knows where he wants to go.

The album opens strong, with three solid from-the-hip rock n roll tunes: "Foxy And Free", "Outer Space" and "Pain In The Neck". Nothing subtle here as the album blasts to life with big riffs, kick in the gut drums and lyrics sung with that quirky "wink, wink, nudge nudge" style we all love from the Spaceman. The only "meh" moment is the weak chorus on "Neck".

Next up is his stellar cover of Sweet's "Fox On The Run". Gene Simmons once said Ace has the incredible ability to take some else's song and make it all his own. He has "New York Groove", "2000 Man", "Hide Your Heart" and "Do Ya" under his belt and can add this one with pride. I'd love to hear a total covers album from Ace someday. Most bands who do that with mixed results but I think Ace could hit that one out of the park. (Hey Ace, you'd sound amazing doing Joan Jett's "I Love Rock n Roll", Motorhead's "Ace Of Spades" and Alice Cooper's "School's Out". Just sayin'.)

One of the coolest tracks is "Genghis Kahn". It's got a plodding "Kashmir" type groove, with a tight riff played with a scritch-scratchy guitar tone that reminded me distantly of the James Gang "Funk #49". It's one of the brightest spots on the album, marred only slightly by a pointless chorus. There are no other lyrics on the tune, so the chorus sounds a bit misplaced. Edit those out and you'd have flawless instrumental. It also features the best guitar solo on the record. You know it's an Ace Frehley solo within the first three notes but you quickly see that Ace has (gasp!) matured with his playing over the years. There is a freshness that hasn't been there in a long time and you hear the wah-soaked solo just open up and blossom.

Ace threw us some curve-balls with "Change The World" and "A Little Below The Angels". Some pretty personal, socially-concious lyrics on these, where Ace confesses the mistakes of his past and how he wants to reconcile with the world for the future. Mellow and melodic, we see yet another side of Frehley's muse rear it's head. It's great to hear him still trying new things..he's obviously creatively rejuvenated and is being fearless with what he's allowing himself to express. There's a slightly cringe-worthy moment in the middle of "Angels" where he talks to his daugther (talking in a song is always lame to begin with) but it's tolerable and doesn't get in the way of an otherwise beautiful song too much. If we're talking cheese-factor, I'd still take it over anything from KISS '87-90 period.

Mr. Frehley has always sighted another New York native, Leslie West of Mountain, as an influence (listen to the first riff on Mountain's "Never In My Life" and then listen to Ace's "Rip It Out") and you can really hear it on the instrumental "Space Bear" (if you don't kow what Ace means by the term "Space Bear", do yourself a huge favor and seek out the 1979 KISS interview with Tom Snyder). A thick, back-beat hugging twisted heavy blues riff that sits on yer chest, refusing to let you up for air.

"Sister" is a song that has been floating around in the bootleg world for 15 years on demo reels and live-bootlegs. It finally makes it officially recorded debut here and it is a pummeling, crushing bit of Space Rock. Strong enough it could've served as the album opener with ease if they had wnated it that way. A favorite.

The album closes with another instrumental "Fractured Quantum", the fourth in the "Fractured" series. This is by far my favorite of the sequals to the original "Fractured Mirror" from his '78 solo album. This left me with the same feeling I had the first time I heard "Mirror" and that's saying something. Ace is one of the flashiest lead guitarists in the world who came to fame in one of the world's flashiest bands, but this isn't some guitar-hero wankfest here. He shows the caliber of his compositional skills by building a beautiful crescendo throughout the piece with simple melody, dynamics and instrumentation. Leaves me with goosebumps everytime.

The only bland spots in this album are "Too Many Faces" and "It's a Great Life". Neither are bad tunes and are enjoyable, they just simply didn't make much of an impression on me the way the rest of the album did.

Overall, I love this album. It's just what I wanted and expected from Ace, plus a little more. Ace has claimed that he's going to be putting out albums with more regularity now and this is he beginning of a long creative streak for him. To that I say with much affection, "Welcome home big brother. We've missed you."

Jim's Fashion Rules

2009-06-22T16:47:00.004-04:00

I don't have much fashion sense nor do I care to. I find the world of fashion devoid of anything redeeming in humanity. Having said that, as a person living in the real world and having to be forced to contend with the outbreaks of various trends I see around me, I DO have a few fashion observations of my own:

If you're over the age of 12 and wear your ball cap backwards, to the side or anyway else but straight forward, you look like an imbecile. Grow up and turn that thing around.

Guys: let's all just take off the necklaces okay? The 70's was a long time ago. And let's give the diamond studs in your ears to your wives/girlfriends. I have earrings myself, nothing against guys with earrings. But guys in diamonds are pussies. Not to mention a bit creepy in that date-rapist kinda way. Sorry, no exceptions.

Shirts should never be tucked in when wearing shorts. It screams, "I'm comfortable, but still REAL uptight".

Rock T-shirts and sports jerseys are not to be tucked in...ever. EVER.

If you're a few years out of the military but are still sporting the haircut, time to try something new.

Let's stop with the God-wear please. Enjoy your faith, be proud, whatever. But stop treating your faith like a rock band and cheapening the sanctity of it by slapping it on a T-shirt. It's obnoxious and trust me, you're not "spreading the word", you're just annoying people.

All you "rebellious" folk in the combat boots, dark-rimmed glasses and wildly colored hair..you're not so rebellious. You're just conforming on the other side of the spectrum. Nice job and enjoy your uniform. And spending $100-200 on Doc Martens at Hot Topic or Journeys isn't that rebellious is it? Giving your money to a big business is what it is. How indie. Slum on down to the thrift shop or Army Surplus store like REAL punks had to do back in the day, okay rebel?

Obama shirts. To quote Bill Mahr, "Hey, I like Obama too. But let's not make a religion out of it."
I like Obama, but I hate to see anybody glorifying ANY politician. Because after all, he's still a politician. Black people, you get a year extension as far as wearing Obama images goes...the first African-American President is a big deal and a historical milestone. Celebrate and be proud. But a year will tell us if he's going to actually be any good or if it was all smoke and mirrors. You get another six months if things are going well. White people, time to dump the shirts...your shoulders must be sore from patting yourselves on the back for voting for the black guy.

Guys who are really, really skinny or really flabby, out of shape wearing a wife-beater out in public. Big, in shape guys who wear wife-beater's in public are douche-y because they're just trying to show off, impress people and are basically insecure. But at least they can fill one of those out in the correct places of the garment.

Extremely out of shape people in athletic/work-out clothing. Okay, I understand that may be the only comfortable thing you can squeeze into. But nothing calls attention to how unhealthy you are than athletic clothes hanging off a completely unathletic body. This goes for the trendy Affliction shirts as well..most people I see in these things would die of coronary failure within two minutes inside the octagon.

Those super tight and skinny emo jeans. They just look uncomfortable. But most emo guy's balls have yet to drop, so I guess there's room a-plenty.

And these are things that instantly put you in douchbag territory:

A faux hawk.

Men: flip-flops with long pants.

A polo shirt with the collar flipped up.

An eyebrow ring.

Clothes ridiculously too big for them.

Clothes ridiculously too small.

Camoflauge outside of hunting activities (WTF???)

Anybody who wears a T-shirt of a band they don't own at least one album from.

To narrow it down even more, anybody who sports Motorhead or Ramones colors and can't name at least five songs from each band, one of which ISN'T "I Wanna Be Sedated" or "Ace Of Spades". Yeah, those bands are cool. But what's even cooler is actually listening to them.

Crocs. Unless you are a nurse or are over 50.

Tye-dye. There, I said it.

Sunglasses worn indoors will get you a first-class ticket on the train to Doucheville.

Young guys in fedoras. You don't look stylish, slick or at all sophisticated. You look like you got lost in your Grandpa's closet.

Douchebag Alert: Paul Di'Anno Mouths Off About Iron Maiden

2009-06-02T12:34:00.004-04:00

Paul Di'Anno in the Maiden years.

Paul today....bloated, bald and bitter.

For those of you who don't know, Paul Di'Anno was the original lead singer in Iron Maiden. He sang on the first two Maiden albums, Iron Maiden and Killers. He was then fired from the band for being a drunken, unreliable mess.

Since then, he has used the Maiden name to attempt to further his own career as a solo artist. In a very recent interview, http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=121158, Paul gets upset when asked a question about Maiden. Here's an excerpt:

When asked about the rumors that his drug use had something to do with his split with IRON MAIDEN, Di'Anno responded, "Where the fuck do you people get this from? I left IRON MAIDEN because they were going too heavy metal, and IRON MAIDEN is a money-making machine, and I don't give a fuck about it. It was not about drugs; it was nothing like that. Me and Steve [Harris]... I [wrote] the song 'Killers', Steve had [what he thought] were better songs. I thought his songs were shit. Nothing to do with drugs; nothing whatsoever. Check your facts or otherwise this interview is over... I hate that! I fucking hate that! Because people... You say something but you don't know. Well, I'm telling you. IRON MAIDEN is Steve Harris' band. It doesn't matter about anybody else — whether it's Dave Murray, Clive [Burr], me... it's Steve Harris' band and all it is is money, money, money, money — nobody else counts. And I wrote fuckin' 20-times better songs than his, but I only got one song on the 'Killers' album because it's Steve's — he must have this. Fuckin' Adolf Hitler. I'm not interested. So there you go. But you need to take drugs when you're with IRON MAIDEN because they're so fucking boring. And the only drugs were aspirin, because Steve [making hand gesture as if someone is speaking into his ear]... Fuckin' headache."

So...the man gets pissed when asked about Maiden? This is funny because ever since he was kicked out of Maiden, for yes, drug and alcohol abuse, he has been completely incapable of promoting himself WITHOUT mentioning Maiden in the same breath. He even goes so far as to use the Maiden font on his tour posters.

Better songwriter than Steve Harris? I've heard Paul's solo stuff. Is he keeping the good shit away from us on purpose?? Because I have yet to hear anything out of him that comes close to rivaling anything Maiden have ever put out (including those so-so Blaze albums). As for his complaint for getting only one song on Killers, well, Killers IS considered to be one the greatest and most seminal albums of the metal genre. So I'd say ol' Steve was correct in keeping Di'Anno's material off the album wasn't he? And also, Harris is such a horrible songwriter that Mr. Di'Anno continues to this day to play those songs in his live set.

And Paul, EVERYONE knows Maiden is Harris' band. We've always known that. Nobody has ever not known that. And the Adolf Hitler reference was a nice attempt at smearing Harris' name, but Steve Harris has always had one the most sterling reputations in metal for professionalism, integrity and creativity. So, he's an asshole because he told a drunk, irresponsible loser to get out of his band before he messed it up for everyone else? That's not being tyrannical, that's just good management.

Paul Di'Anno is just another guy in the long line of "I was in a famous band once that got even more famous after they kicked me out" bitterness. He can join Neil Turbin (original singer for Anthrax. Sang on the "Fistful of Metal" LP) and Al Atkins (the first Judas Priest vocalist before Rob Halford. He never even recorded with Priest, but still uses the Priest name to promote himself) in resting on his laurels of past glories.

Self Loathing Is An Ugly Thing

2009-05-27T10:00:00.005-04:00

Only a person who truly hates themselves would play in Limp Bizkit and dress like this in order to add insult to self-inflicted injury.

Douchebag Alert! 5/20/09

2009-05-20T09:14:00.003-04:00

http://www.romeorose.net/
Yes, he's 100% serious.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/05/20/martin.vick/index.html

If Michael Vick is allowed to re-enter the NFL, the author of this article should be forced to sleep with Vick's post-game jockstrap in his mouth for the duration of Vick's football career. HOw's that for "sanctimonious crap"?

What kind of music does the Joker listen to?

2009-05-01T15:32:00.006-04:00

Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight is the greatest Joker ever. Period. Batman fans have spent endless hours debating this fact and I'm sure it will continue to be hotly debated until the end of the earth.

Some comic book aficionados have slammed their fists down that this version of the Joker was too far removed from the comic books. And it amazes me sometimes that some people who love comics (being a medium of complete fantasy in itself) can be so devoid of imagination when the boundries of what they're used to are stretched. But I enjoy seeing the flaws, the scars, the mental strain and all too human nature of my heroes and villians. And that's what The Dark Knight provides. I'm glad they didn't go the easy route and make just another crappy adaptation of a comic book, cheese and all (Spiderman anyone?). I praise director Christopher Nolan for having the vision, imagination and heart to take Batman from the contrived trappings most comics turned movies possess and giving the character a presence in the real world.

They've also claimed this Joker was far too psychotic to be the "Clown Prince of Crime" he's typically portrayed as. And I agree. And that's EXACTLY why I loved Ledger's take. Batman is one comic that has benefited greatly from the extra gritty realism added to the Bale-era Batman films. The Burton films with Michael Keaton were good and Jack Nicholson made a great Joker for the vibe of that film: comic pages come to life. Those Batman films were darker than any other Batman up til that point, but they still retained that aura of plastic coated storybook fantasy.

The Dark Knight has none of that. The Gotham City of TDK is a real, lived-in place. With real criminals commiting real crimes. It even made you think that a rich guy dressing up as a bat to fight crime was viable. And the psychosis of a criminal like The Joker is disturbingly real. He isn't a whimsical Clown Prince of Crime, he is a domestic terrorist. A being as scarred on the inside as he is on the outside and is out to punish the world for it. What makes this Joker so scary is you could actually imagine him being real. In the Burton films, Gotham City was out "there", way out in comic book land. But this Gotham City is YOUR city.

And that got me thinking about the other real life indiosyncrasies does the Joker have? Boxers or briefs... or is he a commando kinda guy? What does he like on his pizza? Does he hate humid days like I do? That big purple coat can't feel too brisk once the weather warms up.

The musical train of thought got rolling one evening while I was out with my wife at Fair Oaks Mall in Fairfax, VA. We were passing by that haven for rebellious conformity known as Hot Topic and there was a group of about four Emo kids (the dyed black hair, bulemic body frames, ridiculously tight jeans and facial piercings that looked more like acne than individuality) out in front, all in Joker shirts talking about the ways in which they related to him.

And it made me laugh to think he had become such an Emo icon, because you know what? The Joker ain't Emo. An Emo kid wouldn't have the balls to do what the Joker did. An Emo kid wouldn't cut you..he'd just cut himself. And then write a bad poem about it. No, it takes an angry punk/metalhead to execute the total disregard for the conventions of society and take steps to act upon it. THAT'S a guy who would cut you.

The Joker exists in chaos. And I could see the anarchic, pissy and angry tunes of the Sex Pistols (Ledger did base some of his characterizations on Johnny Rotten), Black Flag, Cro-Mags, Agnostic Front and Sick of it All appealing to him. Doses of Slayer and early Corrosion of Conformity would suit him too. I could even see him digging some of Miles Davis' and John Coltrane's more experimental stuff; it can be just as jagged, formless and unpredictable as the Joker's mind. No classical, smooth contemporary jazz or new age music for him...he'd want music that reflected and focused the aggression and disdain in his mind, not somethng to to quell it.

Nope, just can't see Joker being an Emo fan (sorry to disappoint ya, Hot Topic crew). Although, it could spur him to more heinous crimes. Could be he'd hear the likes of Dashboard Confessional, New Found Glory and Jimmy Eat World and become so digusted at what spineless, banal crybabies modern society has become it would inspire a holocaust of Biblical proportions. Or better yet, perhaps the Joker would happen upon a Limp Bizkit album and become so enraged at the mediocrity he finds on it that he abandons Gotham to seek out Fred Durst and jam that magic pencil through the top of his stupid red cap. It's too bad Ledger isn't with us anymore...I'd pay double the face value of a movie ticket to see "The Joker..He Killed Them All For The Nookie".

Joker n Johnny

100 Favorite Albums Part 2: #75-51

2009-04-28T13:10:00.018-04:00

75) Mastodon- Crack The Skye
I love it when the music is as badassed as the cover art.

74) Iced Earth- The Glorious Burden
I was an Iced Earth fan when they had Matt Barlow on vocals. But I became an even bigger fan when they got Tim "Ripper" Owens to replace Barlow. Owens is one of my favorite metal singers ever..unfortunately he's never really gotten the respect he deserves. He first came to fame replacing Rob Halford for two albums in Judas Priest (and you know how good you have to be to do THAT!) before they reunited with Halford. Then he was snatched up by Iced Earth. Owens really takes the spotlight here, which is probably why he only lasted one more album after this one. Ego-maniac guitarist/IE founder Jon Schaffer probably couldn't take the attention being shifted off of him so he eventually brought back Barlow who, after coming back in after Owens, lacks a certain luster. "The Red Baron" is one of Owens' greatest moments.

73) Michael Schenker- The Michael Schenker Story
Basically a live retrospective concert that covers all the different phases of Schenker's career: The Scorpions, UFO, The Michael Schenker Group, solo stuff. It's of course, Michael Schenker, on guitar backed by..ahh who cares? It's Michael f****n Schenker on guitar and that's enough.

72) Anthrax- Persistence Of Time
My favorite of the Joey Belladonna fronted era.

71) The Obsessed- Lunar Womb
D.C. legend Scott "Wino" Weinrich has been a part of more influential doom/stoner metal bands than you could shake a Black Sabbath LP at: St. Vitus, Spirit Caravan, Place of Skulls and The Hidden Hand. But The Obsessed has always been my favorite of his many projects.

70) Monster Magnet- Powertrip
No witty remarks about this one. Just a straight powerhouse of an album.

69) Skid Row- Slave To The Grind
Skid Row got tagged as a hair band when they first came out. And rightfully so...that first album has alot of hair band tendencies on it. But they permanently killed the hair tag with this, their second album. There's so much spit, snarl and swagger in this thing that they were able to take Pantera on tour with them to support it.

68) Enya- Watermark
Pure relaxation in the form of a CD.

67) Ozzy Osbourne- Bark At The Moon
Yes, Ozzy has become an embarrassment the past few years. But you gotta give the guy credit for one thing...he has a HELL of an ear when it comes to picking guitar players. The Randy Rhoads albums that came before this are metal essentials. And the Zakk Wylde albums that came after are incredible as well. But I've always had a thing for the Jake E Lee days. Jake had the unfortunate job of following the legendary Randy Rhoads, but he more than held his own. The title track is one of the most ferocious metal guitar attacks ever put down and both Jake and Ozzy are in amazing form throughout the rest of the album as well.

66) Megadeth- Rust In Peace
Megadeth has always been hit or miss with me. Usually on a given 'deth album I like about half the tunes and skip right over the other half. But this is an instance where Mustaine and co. got it right all the way through.

65) Bad Brains- I Against I
D.C. scene legends that were the first to bring punk, hardcore, metal and reggae influences together in a viable musical form. Listen and learn something.

64) Conan The Barbarian- Soundtrack by Basil Poledouris

Q:What is best in life?
A: To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

63) Amon Amarth- Versus The World

And if Conan The Barbarian had a heavy metal soundtrack, this would be it.

62) Pentagram- First Daze Here
My homeboys from Alexandria, VA. This is some of their earliest stuff from the mid '70's.

61) Anthrax- Sound Of White Noise
This album was the first of the new (and my favorite era) of Anthrax with ex-Armored Saint vocalist John Bush. They set a new standard for themselves with this one.

60) Albert King- BornUnder a Bad Sign
Albert King was pure cool. Cool enough that he probably didn't even need a back-up band...he could have conceivably stood on a stage with just his guitar and his aura of coolness could've generated enough vibrations to back him up. But on this album his aura is one-upped ...his backing band is Booker T and The Mg's with the Memphis Horns. That's a straight up vortex of coolness. Listen and soak it in, but know you'll never be as cool as this.

59) Twisted Sister- Live At Hammersmith
Twisted Sister was a friggin juggernaut live. They get dismissed as a novelty band and that's just not right. Their first three albums are slabs of great, solid metal. This album captures a show they did at Hammersmith Odeon in London right before they broke big on MTV and became that "novelty" band. It'll tear you a new one and give you a new respect for the Sister.

58) Pantera- Vulgar Display Of Power
This is an album cover that perfectly conveys the music contained within. R.I.P. Dimebag.

57) Sade- Lovers Live
Her voice is so sultry and smooth I feel like I'm commiting adultery just listening to it.

56) Machine Head- The Blackening
One of the bands and albums that gives me hope for the future of metal. On the deluxe version of this album, they do the best covers I've ever heard of two of the greatest metal songs ever, Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name and Metallica's "Battery".

55) Otis Taylor- Truth Is Not Fiction
Otis Taylor gets labeled a blues musician. But that's too narrow a definition. His music is simply Otis Taylor music, the same way Tom Waits' music is simply Tom Waits music. They are their own labels. This is storytelling music sung by a master storyteller. No cheesy, bar-band 12 bar hack-jobs here. This is blues evolved. "House Of The Crosses" is the stand-out for me on this.

54) Black Flag- Damaged
The album that was the blueprint for all the derivative punk and hardcore bands that came after. But none of them have ever been able to better this.

53) Entombed- Morning Star
Primo death metal WITHOUT the cookie monster vocals. Yeah, L.G. Petrov's voice isn't what you would call "pleasant" but it gets the job done, has character and you can actually understand him. Good stuff.

52) Van Halen- Fair Warning
Considered the "dark" VH album as there aren't alot of the typical "let's party" aspects found on the other albums. Eddie's playing is as great as ever and I really dig the whole vibe of this one.

51) Guns N Roses- Appetite For Destruction
Man, I remember when this album was released. I was in 6th grade and suddenly there was an explosion of GnR t-shirts all over the school. This was the album that was being copied and traded all over school...it was a big deal because it was the first album many of us has heard that featured so many cuss words and it was the album you didn't want your parents to know you had. I remember my Mom wouldn't buy it for me because she saw a review that called it "raw and rude". So I bummed a copy of it from a friend and made a Xerox of the album cover because I thought it was so freakin' cool. And the Gunners were never able to top this album.

100 Favorite Albums Part 1: #100-76

2009-04-28T12:52:00.029-04:00

100) Our Lady Peace- Live
I was never an overly big fan of OLP. Kinda think of mainman Raine Maida as a bit pretentious (he named himself Raine for God's sake), tries a bit to hard to be the hipster, artsy guy and is basically a poor man's Bono. But I have to give credit where it's due, I do like alot of OLP's material. My wife is a huge OLP fan and has all the albums. So I played this one day and found I REALLY like it alot. Still not into alot of their studio albums, but this one really clicked with me. This version of "Innocent" is escpecially cool.

99) Nekromantix- Return Of The Loving Dead
Psychobilly (punk and rockabilly mashed together) at it's best! Great songs and cool image (the guy plays a standup bass made from an old wooden coffin.....awesome).

98) Run DMC- Raising Hell
If this album doesn't make you want you wear Adidas sneakers, a Kangol hat and sport a gold chain, then you're dead inside.

97) My Chemical Romance- Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge
Not a big fan of the genre they are considered to be a part of (emo), but I love this album. Infectious energy throughout, some pretty relentless playing happening and some really cool songs. I play this one alot in the car. "Thank You For the Venom" features some pretty tight metal riffs and licks.

96) Primus- Frizzle Fry
I've always dug Primus. It seems to be you either love or hate these guys. Every album is good but I enjoy this one the most. Seems like once they got past this album and the next, Sailing The Seas Of Cheese, they became a little too aware of how clever they were and you could almost hear them trying to force the eccentricity into the music. Thus the albums, in my opinion, became much more spotty in terms of brilliant moments. But Frizzle Fry is from a time when the brilliance was equally distributed across an entire album.

95) Marilyn Manson- Antichrist Superstar
This is still a killer album. I wish Manson could recapture some of it's spark and record an interesting record again. This was his peak and what he'll be remembered for. Not a bad album to be your legacy.

94) Nine Inch Nails- The Downward Spiral
Anger, rage, depression, anguish, self loathing...Trent Reznor was somehow able to make a really f*****g good album from all that. BTW, cool footnote: this album was recorded in the Sharon Tate house (where the Charles Manson murders took place) before it was torn down.

93) AC/DC- Back In Black
This album is so popular, it's almost cliche' for it to appear on Favorite Album lists. But there's a reason it's always there: it's that good.

92) Public Enemy- Apocalypse '91
Remember when rappers actually had something to say? Important things? Public Enemy were scary as hell, had a message and were going to make sure the people who needed to hear it heard it. Rappers like Chuck D are a dying breed. And oh yeah, this is what Flavor Flav did BEFORE he was a reality TV embarrassment.

91) Black Label Society- Hangover Music Vol. VI
All BLS albums are pretty much the same...loud, downtuned riffs with Zakk Wylde catterwauling all over them before he then plays his typical Zakk Wylde licks all over them. But this album is different. It's more acoustic based and let's Wylde's songwriting and singing talents actually come through.

90) Blink 182- Dude Ranch
I've always loved this album by the Blink guys. It was the one right before they really broke big and became a pop punk radio band and lost their teeth. I don't care much for the albums that followed this one, but this one had enough balls, aggression energy and good tunes to make me remember them in a good light.

89) Pink- I'm Not Dead
Always liked her. Not sure why....maybe it's the fact that she could probably take me apart in a knife fight turns me on. But it's most likely her voice. I've always thought she really gets overlooked as a singer because of her image as a crazy troublemaker. I've heard her do some Joplin covers and they're incredible. She has a legitimate set of pipes. This album she steps away a bit from the dancier side of her sound to more of a rock thing, which she really shines at. I'd love to hear what she could do in front a gritty, sleazy rock band.

88) The Cult- Sonic Temple
The Cult have always been badassed. This album has always been badassed. It will always be badassed.

87) Rage Against The Machine- Evil Empire
"Bulls On Parade" guitar solo. 'Nuff said.

86) Prince- Purple Rain
The title track is one of my favorite guitar moments ever.

85) The Misfits- Earth A.D.
Everything that made the Misfits good is on this album. If you don't like this album, you don't like The Misfits.

84) Alice In Chains- Dirt
People say grunge killed rock n roll. Rock n roll at that time was Warrant, Winger and Faster Pussycat. So I say good riddance. Albums like this one from AIC grabbed those glammers by their pretty, permed locks and shoved them face first into the Seattle mud. It was a huge breath of fresh air. That is of course until EVERY band started trying to sound like they came from Seattle. But this album is one of the greatest from that era.

83) Creedence Clearwater Revival- Greatest Hits
Who doesn't like CCR? Put on this album and tell me you can't feel the swamp juice between your toes and smell the cypress trees. With feelings like that being conjured up, it's no wonder I felt betrayed when I found out John Fogerty was from suburban California and not the Bayou. But the music is so good you forgive him.

82) New York Dolls- New York Dolls
The band responsible for the birth of glam music. Love it or hate it, these guys deserve all the credit or the blame, depending on your stance. An essential, landmark album.

81) Bloodhound Gang- Hooray For Boobies
Big, dumb stupid fun that entertains me to no end.

80) Tenacious D- Tenacious D
See above.

79) The Sword- Age Of Winters
One night I was in Tower Records (remember those?) and they had this playing on the store system. I bought it that night. Songs about flaming swords, wood nymphs and mystical beasts set to guitars and drums so thick, heavy and meaty you don't feel like a dork for listening to music about flaming swords, wood nymphs and mystical beasts.

78) Fugazi- Repeater
The poster children for the DIY punk movement in D.C. A damn, damn, damn fine album. There's still nothing like it. It still sounds "alternative" today.

77) Strapping Young Lad- Strapping Young Lad
There are very few lead guitarists in thrash that I like. I'm a huge fan of lead guitar in other forms of music, but it never seems to work in thrash. Thrash metal to me has nothing to do with lead playing and everything to do with the power of the pumping, galloping riff with the onslaught of machine gun drums behind it. Devin Townsend's Strapping Young Lad strips it down to just that: no aimless, pointless lead noodling to deter from the pummeling, twisted assault of a tighter than a Chinese-foot-binder's-shoe elite metal rhythm section featuring Gene Hoglan on drums.

76) Iggy Pop and The Stooges- Raw Power
When the Kid Rocks, Eminems and Insane Clown Posses of the world get ya down, put this album on and be reminded that it once meant something special to be from Detroit. And this is one of the reasons why.

100 Favorite Albums Part 3: #50-26

2009-04-27T18:08:00.039-04:00

50) Sex Pistols- Nevermind The Bollocks

Still one of the most snarling I'll-spit-on-yer-shoes-and-dare-ya-to-do-something-about-it

albums ever. You wanker.

49) W.A.S.P.- Kill, Fuck, Die
When this album was released in 1996, Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails were ruling the hard music roost. WASP was the Marilyn Manson of it's day in the '80's. Blackie Lawless was the subject of many, many religious protests, government inquiries and had the FBI on tour with the band because of death threats long before Manson even discovered mascara. WASP never went away but became more of a Blackie Lawless solo band once the 90's happened. But for this album, Blackie got Chris Holmes back in the band and the true WASP re-emerged to show Marilyn and co. just where they got all their tricks from to begin with. This is WASP's darkest, sickest, most twisted album they've ever done. They adopted the slight industrial overtones that were popular at that time, but did it without sounding trendy. And the album still holds up today without sounding the least bit dated. It just works. In a big way.

48) Halford- Live Insurrection
An incredible live album from Rob Halford's solo band that runs through tunes from most of Rob's career: the Halford band, Fight and Judas Priest (no Two material though). Rob's voice is searing on this one. Plus there are live versions of the rare tunes "Light Comes Out Of Black", "Hell's Last Survivor" and "Sad Wings".

47) Red Hot Chili Peppers- Blood Sugar Sex Magik
The Chili Peppers at their peak. After this guitarist John Frusciante quit the band, went crazy, became hooked on heroin and disappeared for awhile. After John they went through a succession of forgettable guitarists, including Dave Navarro with whom they recorded one horrible album. Thankfully, Frusciante cleaned up and re-emerged to play for the Peppers again. The new stuff is good, but this album was perfect and defining in a way they'll probably never be able to repeat.

46) Booker T & The MG's- Best Of
The Stax house band, they played on every major recording by every major Stax artist in the 60's and 70's. Featuring one of my biggest guitar influences Steve Cropper on guitar, Donald "Duck" Dunn on bass, Al Jackson on drums and Booker T Jones on the Hammond b-3 Organ. A backing band doesn't get much better than this and you do not get any cooler than "Green Onions".

45) Sam and Dave- Very Best Of
Another one of the Stax talents that was backed by the aforementioned Booker T and The MG's. "Hold On, I'm Coming", "Soul Man", "Wrap It Up"....with tunes like that this album needs no explanation.

44) Beethoven- Mad About Beethoven
A nice little introduction to Beethoven's symphonies, this features the last movement of his 9th Symphony ("The Ode To Joy"). Beethoven is my favorite all-time favorite composer.

43) Concrete Blonde- Free
One of those "greatest bands you've never heard" type things. I've introduced quite a few people to Concrete Blonde over the years. I found out about this band through, of all things, the old TV show 21 Jumpstreet. They used a song off the this album "God Is A Bullet" during one of the episodes and I thought it was one of the coolest songs I ever heard. It still is and this album is still one of my favorites.

42) Motorhead- Overkill
When it comes to early Motorhead, it doesn't get better than this. The Ace of Spades album may be more popular because it has, well, "Ace of Spades" on it, but this album is front to back the most consistently hammering of Motorhead's output with the original line-up of "Fast" Eddie Clarke and "Philthy" Phil Taylor.

41) Tom Waits- Small Change

Waits has two eras. He has his early era..the piano plunking, scat-singing barfly, troubadour tramp years in the 70's and in the 80's he began his eccentric experimental era that continues to this day. Both are brilliant. Of his barfly years, this is the pinnacle.

40) Melvins- Stoner Witch
I like pretty much all Melvins albums equally because they all rule. But I picked this one because it has my two favorite Melvins tune ever on it, "Roadbull" and "Revolve".

39) Testament- The Gathering
Vocalist Chuck Billy sounds like the Devil on this, Eric Peterson recorded all the rhythm guitars as Alex Skolinick had left at this point and he CRUSHES it. And to top it all off, thrash drummer du jour Dave Lombardo (Slayer) sat in on drums for this disc. Like a brick to the head..it a good way.

38) Rainbow- Rainbow Rising
Richie Blackmore's band after Deep Purple, which also featured the incredible Ronnie James Dio on vocals before he took over Sabbath duties from Ozzy. It only has 6 songs on it but they are all epic, especially the ethereal "Stargazer". The Dio line-up is the only one that matters to me. If it ain't Ronnie it ain't Rainbow. Dio was only on the first three Rainbow albums and after he left, Rainbow turned into a bland commerical snoozefest.

37) Howlin' Wolf- The Chess Box
Star Wars or Star Trek? Pepsi or Coke? Stones or the Beatles? Howlin' Wolf or Muddy Waters? You can like both, but you ultimately favor one or the other. And for me, I favor The Wolf (and I favor all the first one's mentioned in the comparisons above in case you wanted to know).

36) Blind Willie Johnson- Dark Was The Night
The instrumental that this album was named for is one of the most haunting pieces of music I've ever heard. This album features some of the best slide guitar playing you'll ever hear.

35) Snow Patrol- Eyes Open
When I realized how much I liked this album, I felt kinda old honestly. This album has "adult contemporary" written all over it...the kind of rock music bands like U2 make..you know, music for folks who say they like rock music but don't really like to rock THAT hard? But that's okay, this album is far from boring. And everyone needs some albums to relax to. It's a great album full of expertly crafted pop rock tunes. It doesn't rock too hard or too soft..it's just right. And sometimes that's just what you need.

34) Killing Joke- Hossanas From The Basement Of Hell

Killing Joke is one of those bands who have been around forever, but whose recent output I prefer over their early stuff. This album in one big slammin' chunk of industrial punk metal.

33) W.A.S.P.- W.A.S.P.
They unfairly get lumped in with "hair metal" bands and that has always pissed me off. Yeah, they came off the Sunset Strip in the early '80's and were there when the whole hair metal craze took off. But WASP was always meaner, scarier and dirtier than any of the Strip bands they came out with. I mean, how many "hair metal" acts got to tour with the likes of Metallica, Venom and Armored Saint? This is their first album and still one of the best metal albums of the era.

32) Heaven And Hell- The Devil You Know
Been a long, long wait for another album from the Dio era line-up of Sabbath. That's exactly what this is, though they have to call themsleves Heaven and Hell due to some legal BS with Ozzy and the name Black Sabbath. But the name change and the wait are more than worth it. This is a metal album done how metal SHOULD be done by the elder statesmen of the genre. The founders of the metal faith ( these guys, Priest, Maiden, Motorhead) are still showing us all how to do it and that makes me sad to think that in a few years, alot of these originators are going to be gone. And I still don't see too many metal bands out there nowadays who are worthy of picking up the mantle.

31) Johnny Cash- American IV: The Man Comes Around
Attention country artists: THIS is the blueprint you all should be following on how to make a modern country music album. Raw, real tunes with soul and emotion about life instead of glitzy overproduced pop fluff with a steel guitar overdubbed on top of it. Cash saved his best stuff for last with the final few albums of his life. This album features his cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt", a song that is now Cash's forever. When was the last time anyone in Nashville put out something that poignant and real? They should all hang their heads in shame.

30) Motorhead- Inferno
This album is worth it just for "In The Name Of Tragedy" alone. But trust me, you'll want to hear the rest of the album as well. A punch in the nose and a kick to the groin Motorhead style.

29) Faith No More- The Real Thing
Jim Martin is one of the unsung guitar heroes of the '90's. And it sucks that FTM have reunited without him. At least we still have this.

28) Judas Priest- Sad Wings Of Destiny
If you don't have or have never heard this album, go get it now or surrender your metalhead credentials forever. This album is a cornerstone of the art form known as Heavy Metal. Halford's voice is immaculate and flawless..and unhuman. The notes he hits on "Dreamer Deciever" and "Victim Of Changes" are the product of an otherworldy being.

27) Tom Waits- Real Gone
Waits just keeps delivering and pushing himself. He's the only old white guy who could use elements of turn-tables and beat-boxing in his music and not fail horribly at it. Relax, Waits hasn't gone hip-hop on this; as usual he takes a musical idea and makes it COMPLETELY his own, molding and warping it beyond all recognition into something sublime. Same ol' dog..lots of new tricks. And longtime collaborator/guitarist Marc Ribot makes a few standout appearances on this as well.

26) KISS- Carnival Of Souls
This is a controversial album among KISS fans. Some say it's a sell-out attempt to go "grunge". I say it was the next logical step after the killer "Revenge" album. "Revenge" is the album where they recaptured the early KISS spirit like never before since 1982's "Creatures Of The Night" album. Revenge was full of grit, swagger and heavier than anything they'd done in years. When they went it to make this album, Carnival Of Souls, they continued down that heavier path they'd rediscovered, also making a turn into slightly darker territory. I love this album and was really excited by the direction KISS seemed to be taking at the time. This line-up (which featured Eric Singer on drums and Bruce Kulick on guitar) was one of the strongest ever and had really begun to steamroll with the recording of Revenge and picked up even more momentum with this one. Unfortunately we never got to hear anymore out of this line-up or even got to see KISS play anything from this album live because just after recording seesions for COS wrapped up, Gene and Paul reunited with Ace and Peter for the multi-million selling Alive/Worldwide Reunion Tour. I loved that tour, but I was also sad that we never got to see how much more the Singer/Kulick line-up could've accomplished.

100 Favorite Albums Part 4: #25-1

2009-04-27T13:04:00.058-04:00

25) Slayer- God Hates Us All

This album was released on September 11, 2001. How f****n' metal is THAT?!!

24) Richie Kotzen- Live In Sao Paulo

For years I dismissed Richie as a mindless shredder who had a short stint in Poison once. A recipe for dismissal. But now I'm kicking myself for having my head so far up my rear. I took a chance on this album after reading an interview in Guitar Player magazine and as you can see it's in my Top 25. Incredible guitar playing with a tone to kill for, soulful singing and great songs. My new guitar hero. I'm now in the process of getting everything this man has recorded.

23) Seal-Live In Paris
People are always surprised I'm such a huge Seal fan after they find out what other music I'm into. But my only requirement for music is that I "feel" it and I certainly do with Seal's music. To me, he's the heir to the throne of Otis Redding, Al Green and Marvin Gaye. He's what modern R&B is, not the other garbage that passes for it nowadays. And on this great live set he shows he can bring it live just as well (maybe even better) as in the studio. A claim VERY few so called modern R&B artists can make these days.

22) Blue October- Foiled
This is Blue October's masterpiece, IMO. The culmination of all I've ever liked about them. The albums leading up to this one showed significant progress and growth. And it all leads up to this album. But I hope this isn't where the band has peaked and they've begun their downhill slide as the album that came after this one (Approaching Normal) is far from the quality of this. But if it is, then that's okay because they gave us this to remember them by.

21) Judas Priest- Screaming For Vengeance

The album opener "The Hellion" is THE coolest intro EVER. If we were able to have theme music in our daily lives, "The Hellion" would blast forth everytime I entered a room. That and the track it leads to, "Electric Eye", is one of the best one-two punches in metal.

20) Slayer- Seasons In The Abyss
For some reason, I'm having a hard time thinking of something to write about this stellar album. So I'll just say this: It's Slayer....songs like "War Ensemble", "Dead Skin Mask" and the title track inhabit this disc....it will rule you. Go listen to it NOW.

19) KISS- Creatures Of The Night
After the glory days of the '70's, KISS kinda lost their way once the '80's dawned. KISS was more of a polished pop act at that point rather than the raw rock n roll band they began as. But towards the end of 1982, KISS released a sonic beatdown that reminded everyone (including themselves) who they were. That album was Creatures Of The Night. KISS had finally arrived in the '80's with a loud, bombastic and ferocious album that rivaled the intensity of the early years. The line-up that was introduced on this album (Eric Carr on drums and Vinnie Vincent replacing Ace Frehley, who was on the cover but did not play on the album) could've been to the '80's what the original four were to the '70's. But it wasn't to be, as we only got one more great album from this line-up before Vinnie Vincent was out of the band.

18) Tom Waits- Rain Dogs
This album is a classic for so many reasons and it deserves to be. Brilliant songs, great production and his choice of co-musicians is perfect. One of the best choices he ever made is having Marc Ribot play guitar. Ribot's guitar is as identifiable as Waits' voice and is an essential part of the sonic stamp of this album.

17) Clutch- Blast Tyrant
"Don't worry, it's just stigmata

Pass me a napkin

And don't you dare tell my mother"

I got aboard the Clutch train with the Elephant Riders album and haven't looked back. IMO, this is their most solid, consistent and entertaining album. I love every minute of it.

16) Otis Redding- Love Songs
If I could sing, I would want to be a cross between Tom Waits, Paul Stanley, Rob Halford and Otis Redding. I could listen to Otis sing the ingredients off a bag of chips. But he was at his best when he sang a love ballad. Nobody can sing them like he did. This album is dedicated solely to Otis doing just that. Any romantic song you would ever need to melt a heart with is contained on this disc.

15) Alice Cooper- Love It To Death
This was hard. All of the early Cooper albums are brilliant and could occupy this spot. All are essential listening. But I find myself going to this one the most because it contains "The Ballad Of Dwight Frye", one of the greatest pieces of rock n roll theater ever put to tape.

14) ZZ Top- First Album
Back before they became a synth pop novelty band in the mid-80's, ZZ Top was a tight, lethal blues rock band. Billy Gibbons isn't considered a guitar god because of stuff like "Legs" or "Sharp Dressed Man" but because of the monster playing on albums like this.

13) Leslie West-Mountain
This is technically the first Mountain album, as the next album Leslie West did was with the band Mountain, which took it's name from this Leslie West album. Get it? Even if you don't just take my word for it that this is a terrific album worthy of your attention. Listening to his big voice and even bigger blues-injected guitar playing you'd swear he was from the Bayou rather than a nice Jewish boy from New York.

12) Govt. Mule- Govt. Mule
I was close to giving up playing guitar around the time this came out. I was just bored with it and wasn't really finding much inspiration in anything. Then my Dad sent me this one day in the mail because he had bought it, listened to it and thought I'd be into it. Boy was he right! Warren Haynes single-handedly saved me from selling all my guitars and calling it quits. He lit that flame in me again. Warren is one of those rare players who I could could listen to wail all night and never get bored. And he's also one of those even rarer players whose singing voice is as strong as his playing. He's rounded out with Matt Abts on drums and the late Allen Woody on bass. Unfortunately lost Allen a couple albums after this, their debut. I'm still a big Mule fan and love their other albums they've recorded since, but it still hasn't gotten any better than this one for me.

11) KISS- Ace Frehley
I worship at the altar of Ace Frehley. He's the reason I started playing guitar and is my all-time favorite member of KISS . And there's a reason this album sold more than the other KISS solo albums did....it friggin' SMOKES (yes, that was a smoking Les Paul pun).

10) Metallica- the first 4 albums
Kill 'Em All, Ride The Lightning, Master Of Puppets, ..And Justice For All
These four comprise one long string of perfect metal ass-kickery and I'm going to count them all as one album. It's my blog, so suck it. I'll do what I want. If you think I'm drunk with blog power, go play all four of these albums back to back and tell me I'm wrong.

9) Black Sabbath- The Black Box
Okay, I used my get out of jail free card on the Metallica posting above , but this is a boxed set of the first eight Sabbath albums so it counts as one album. Repeat: the FIRST EIGHT SABBATH ALBUMS. You can't f**k with that. Go ahead and try, I dare ya.

8) Ramones- RamonesMania
This compilation was my first introduction to the Ramones and I've collected every full album they ever put out since hearing it, but this is still my favorite. A near perfect document of the period of the band from the first album all the way up to right before the great Brain Drain album. I say near perfect as they left off "Judy Is A Punk", " I Don't Wanna Walk Around With You","Questioningly" "Mental Hell" and "Something To Believe In". But that's nitpicking. This is a great album for anyone who wants a superb overview of what the Ramones were about.

7) Jimi Hendrix- Jimi Plays Monterey
Like with Alice Cooper, this was hard. I was going to go with "Are You Experienced?" or "Axis: Bold As Love". But when I really thought about it, this is the Hendrix album I listen to the most. It was my first Hendrix album and when I first became in awe of him. This was his first big show in the U.S. as THE Jimi Hendrix and it shows what alot of balls, attitude and just a Strat, a Marshall stack and fuzzbox (this was pre-wah) can do.

6) Motorhead- Sacrifice
For some reason, this one tends to get overlooked by alot of 'head fans and I've never understood why. There is nothing weak about this album and is full of material I'd give a body part to hear live ('Make 'em Blind" is at the top of that list). Not to mention it's one of the coolest 'head album covers ever. This line-up of Motorhead with Lemmy (of course!), Phil Campbell and Mikkey Dee is, to me, the classic line-up of the band.

5) Slayer -South Of Heaven

Everyone typically heralds Reign In Blood as their favorite Slayer album. Not hard to see why. You can't deny that album's influence..it is one of the foundation stones of thrash metal. I love that album; it's speed and brutality is unmatched. But after the kind of onslaught Slayer provided with Reigning, what could they do next? This one. They combined their skin-searing speed and aggression with slower grinding tempos and more dynamics. Slayer is known for their speed, but they were always much more intimidating when they slowed it down a bit and let their groove come through. The inherent evilness in their music is allowed to shine through a bit more when it's not being washed out with pure speed.

4) Iron Maiden- Live After Death

As you may have gathered already, I have a thing for live albums. This perfect piece of metal chronicles Maiden on the legendary World Slavery Tour. This is the two disc version, with the second disc containing such essentials as "Wrathchild" and "Phanton Of The Opera". Now SCREAM FOR ME!!!!

3) Judas Priest- Painkiller

One continuous, relentless ass-kicking from front to back. Never fails to pump me up, especially the title track. The boys were honed to a razor's edge on this one. It will bite your head clean off. I promise.

2) Tom Waits-Bone Machine
This was my first exposure to the genius of Waits. When I want some Waits and am not sure which album to choose, this is my go-to album. Brilliant from beginning to end. "Goin' Out West" would be my theme song if I were a much manlier man than I actually am.

1) KISS- Alive!

This is it. This was my gateway to all things hard n heavy and is still my all-time favorite album. Being without this album would be like missing a limb. This album is embedded in my DNA and part of my blood, sweat and tears. The only thing that would have made this album even better (as if you could possiby improve upon it) would be live versons of "Strange Ways" and "Goin' Blind".

My Dragon Slayer List

2009-04-26T14:49:00.002-04:00

Ben "Coach" Wade from the TV show Survivor is one interesting fella. Yep, in additon to being one of the biggest windbag's I've ever seen, he's apparently been up to some interesting things in in his life time. Among them: being held captive by a tribe of blood-thristy cannabilistic Pygme's (had to escape by "calling in a favor" to the military who sent in a chopper ASAP to rescue him), setting a world's record (of which there is no record of) in long-distance kayaking which in turn upon telling the story during a chance meeting with Tom Hanks, inspired the movie "Castaway". He also apparently knows a super secret form of Chinese martial arts that only him and the guy that taught it to him knows. Yes, he's braved the Amazon solo, conducts orchestras and is the pinnacle of honesty and integrity ( no matter that he got fired from his coaching job at Southwest Baptist University for faking a brain tumor).

So in the spirit of full disclosure that Coach so obviously lives by, I'd like to present my own Dragon Slayer List of accomplishments. Do not let your credulity be strained my friends, just know that I am simply cooler and more interesting than the rest of you:

1) The Bourne movie trilogy, Under Siege and the MacGyver TV series are all based on me. Yep, that's alot of bad-assery to accomplish in one lifetime, but them's the breaks.

2) I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. I know the JFK assassination happened 12 years before I was born, but I'm THAT good.

3) In order to accomplish #2, I fashioned a homemade device out of wire coathangers, bubble gum and pocket lint in order to travel back in time, which I called the Flux Capacitor. Inadvertently I inspired the Back To The Future franchise as well.

4) During my duties as Minister of Badass in the Congo, I was captured by Russian Commandos in disguise as Zebras and thrown into a pit of poisonous vipers, left to die. But I survived by learning the viper's language, thus being able to communicate with them, earning their trust and loyalty. Whilst in the pit, I created a deadly form of martial arts called Snake Kune Do based on the efficient movements of the slinky reptiles. I trained with my viper bretheren as I formulated my plan of escape. In the end, I took my revenge upon my Russian captors by climbing up a rope I patiently made from shedded snake skins and leading my Serpent Army into pitched combat.

5) I am the one man Chuck Norris fears.

6) I stay healthy from the sweet nectar of young flowers in my coffee brought directly to me fresh every morning by hummingbirds.

7) I wrote the songs that make the whole world sing.

8) I was able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

9) 9/11 was just a botched assassination attempt on me. I live with that guilt everyday.

10) Salma Hayek's baby is really mine.

-Jim

Why I hate Modern Country Music.

2009-04-08T13:14:00.022-04:00

Have you ever seen the Rascal Flatts video "Bob That Head"? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LuLaVtLaDc

If you don't see what's wrong with it then you should probably stop reading now because you're probably going to end up feeling insulted by what I'm about to say.

Modern country music, for the most part, is lame. It's bad, cookie cutter pop music with a steel guitar thrown in for "authenticity" and cheesy, jingoistic lyrics sung with an over exaggerated twang. It's music geared for the lowest common denominator. It's become a sort of pissing contest the way modern hip-hop has...you know, being a bigger gangsta than the next guy, name drop your 'hood every two seconds and basically turn your culture into a parody of itself. Country artists do the same thing: yeah, you love the USA (gotta have at least one song with USA in the title on your album in order to cash in on those patriotic dollars), your town is smaller and more redneck than the other guy's, name drop Texas/Tennessee/ Louisiana, you love big trucks, big stupid hats, crazy country girls, Jesus and drinking. We get it. You're All-American. They're gangsta, gangsta and you're hick, hick. And proud of it.

Now, I'm not saying there isn't some talent out there in country mu-ZAK these days. Some folks on the scene have some serious pipes. I may not enjoy the genre they've chosen but Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Gretchen Wilson (ever heard her sing some Heart songs? Awesome) and LeeAnn Rimes can really belt it out. I'm not a musical snob and there are a few modern country artists that I do enjoy...I've always liked Garth Brooks, Dwight Yoakam, Alison Krauss, the Dixie Chicks and Randy Travis. Sincere and real. There are also some musicians out there who can genuinely play and really tear up their instruments like Brad Paisley. But for every one of those, there seems to be a 10:1 ratio of "Achy-Breaky Heart"s, "Boot Scoot Boogie"s, "Honky Tonk Bodonkadonk"s, "Feel Like A Woman"s and "Bob That Head"s that make me want to go on a hillbilly killing spree.

I'm a fan of old country. Willie Nelson, the original Hank Williams, Waylon Jennings, Kris Kristofferson, Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Charlie Daniels, Ralph Stanley, George Jones and Johnny Cash (whose later albums are the template modern country artists should follow. Raw, honest, emotional songs about life instead of vying to be the next faceless bozo on the Country Music Awards). Those folks were real and had something to say. What happened to that real Rebel southern spirit? Country music is now just a mold to fit into with it's own set of rules. Look what happened when the Dixie Chicks dared to go against the redneck majority and speak out against Bush. Country music stations refused to play their music. Real American right? America...you know, the home of free speech? Country music these days tends to not really encourage individuality and free-thought the way it used to. It was rebellious music at one time, now it's more about conforming to the image of what people think being "country" means.

Now we have clowns like Toby Keith, posterboy for the conformist white southern male. Tries to pass himself off as edgy and a rebel, but the guy is about as dangerous and unpredictable as a Sunday Bingo game. This jerk oughta be handing out sales flyers at Home Depot. C'mon, the guy is a friggin' caricature of a country artist...wearing the bandana AND the requisite cowboy hat at the same time (that means he's DOUBLE the country you are, yes-sirree), driving the big truck, American flags hanging off his balls. Yeah again we get it..big tough American country boy. That's fine. But your music sucks and you're a cartoon character. You're the Vin Deisel of country music. And let's not forget the never ending parade of interchangable pretty boy male model mannequins: Kenny Chesney, Tracy Lawrence, Trace Adkins, Tim McGraw etc etc. Just slap an oversized hat, a sleeveless shirt and a three chord ode-to-being -mediocre-and-loving-it on those fellers and let it rip, y'all. They gonna get them some G.R.I.T.S.!!

What's always really bugged me about country music in the last few decades is country has always tried to be trendy, but their curse is they are always about ten years BEHIND whatever the current trend is. . Back in the '80's, popular culture was hair metal. Bon Jovi, Whitesnake and the like. Country musicians still had the prototypical short hair, crisp jeans and Western shirt look going strong. The 90's happen, hair metal is snuffed out and the Grunge look of tattered jeans and flannel is in vogue. But for country artists, the clock just ticked over to 1985.. long permed mullets, leather jackets with fringe and conches and overwrought power ballads (Lonestar anyone?). Grunge was being beaten like a dead horse by the time the new millenium rolled around and the look gives way to the goth/ emo/boy band/ metrosexual vibe. But our country friends are partying like it's still 1999 and suddenly disheveled flannel and torn jeans appear on the scene as if Kurt Cobain hadn't really killed himself but really just ran away to Nashville.

Which brings us to now. It's an interesting time. Just a big cultural clusterfuck that's happening at a moment where nobody really has an identity. Country guys are beginning to surface with tight emo clothing, stylish boy-band haircuts and half-wit eyebrow rings, simultaneously hitting several tired shopping mall culture looks at once.

I was somewhat okay with all of this until I saw a ceratin music video on TV that was the proverbial "straw". Let's come full circle to the beginning of this rant to the "Bob That Head" music video by Rascal Flatts. For those of you who don't know, Rascal Flatts is the country supergroup of the day: standard overproduced pop country fluff with some rock style guitar solos thrown into the mix with a big KISS-like stage show complete with columns of flames shooting up to show they're hardcore. Again, fine. Whatever you gotta do to try to make your hideous paint by numbers music somewhat tolerable.

BUT.... I draw the line at co-opting heavy metal hand-gestures and hip-hop dance moves! First of all, the song is called "Bob That Head" which you should remember is very close to a hip-hop song by Will Smith from 2002 (hey it's 2009...pretty much on time with the ten-year rule) called "Nod Ya Head". So the video is pretty much the band live on stage with various shots of their embarrassingly white audience intercut trying to "bob that head" gangsta style. In addition to that atrocity, those goons have the audacity to throw up the heavy metal devil horns all over the place!! Now, I'm all for combining styles of music...keeping an open mind can only benefit music-kind. And I'll admit, the devil horn sign has been diluted ever since teenybopper twits like Britney Spears and the schmucks on American Idol began destroying it's validity. But I'm an old-school metalhead. Metal is in my blood, sweat and tears. And I'll be goddamned if the sacred gesture passed down from our forefathers, Ronnie James Dio and Gene Simmons, is gonna be co-opted by a bunch folks who have made that hack Larry the Cable Guy a rich man.

Furthermore, on the subject of co-opting things, white people have been ripping of black music since the beginning (the only thing I've really noted that black people have taken for themselves from white culture is the heavy metal studded leather belt recently). Elvis and Pat Boone dipped heavily from that well. Willie Dixon was "borrowed" from so heavily by Led Zeppelin on that first album he should've been the fifth member. Eric Clapton (post Cream) managed to make blues music an adult comtemporary snoozefest. And Fred Durst......well Fred Durst needs to be pistol whipped by the same gun The Insane Clown Posse should be made to shoot themselves with. And all three carcasses will be strung up in the local Old Navy to serve as examples to all white suburbanite brats. So in the harsh light of these aforementioned grievances, looking at a sea of cowboy hats, rebel flag bandanas and NASCAR shirts "bobbing that head" gangsta-style is pretty pathetic. And just embarrassing.

So I propose this: Nashville, the Grand Ol' Opry, the GAC channel and all Hee-Haw re-runs should all go dark for a year. A solid year. To re-evaluate itself. In it's current state, yes, country music is a money-making machine. But the art form itself is dying. There's a rich musical heritage that's being diluted by allowing the bloated, bottom feeding tick that's the country music industry of today to feed off and overshadow the legacy of those who established it. All in a bid to find mainstream legitimacy, which is a death sentence for all true art forms. I tend to dislike "purists" of anything as they tend to be close-minded and a bit uptight. I've said before that I'm all for being open minded and merging musical style. But country needs to do that in the true sense of the word. Give us something truly new and revolutionary instead of just taking whatever fad has already passed us by, grabbing onto it and simply "countrifying" it, trying to pass it off as something new. That's not legitimacy, that's mockery. But the sad thing is, they don't realize they're the butt of their own joke.

I know I'm singling country music out in this post. So what? Yeah, I'm also well aware that all forms of music have it's pure roots and then the mass-consumption fast food equivelent. Take punk. The same thing that's happened in country has happened to punk. It's now a brand, a tag, an image to live up to, an attempt to fit into the ever narrowing definition of what it means. Metal too. Look at a store like Hot Topic...you can buy rebellion and "credibility" in a one stop shop. You can talk the talk and LOOK like you walk the walk. Same with hip-hop. Rappers who have something legitimate to say, like in the days when rap was coming up, are overshadowed by sub-par wannabes with too much bling, blinding grills and videos full of hydraulics and giant asses. True things are always diluted by those who want to capitalize on the image.

Even as we speak, mosh pits are being invaded by emo-core sissies who are in there twirling about with karate chops and kicks. (Try that nonesense in a Slayer pit, bitches. Good way to get a mouth full of floor). Real artists are being outsold by pretenders to the throne. Tom Waits is an American treasure, yet that tone-deaf John Mellencamp is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's a musical climate where Motorhead, who influenced more bands than you can shake Madonna's veiny arms at, can barely get a gold record these days while Nickleback is somehow allowed to exist. The fact that Lemmy still has to work for a living while those hacks could retire today and still have enough money in 20 years to put an entire African village through college is a fucking tragedy. Dimebag caught a bullet in the head and died right on stage, yet Scott Stapp still lives. 3/4 of the original Ramones have passed on to the great CBGB's in the sky and assholes in crap-pop-punk bands like New Found Glory continue to whine their way across the airwaves. Point is, it's an unfair world. And what did that just have to do with country music? Nothing. I'm just passionate about music and went off on a tangent. And I stand by it. The gist is that the real stuff is being overlooked in favor of the glitzy, flavor of the week trendy garbage.

So where is country music headed? If it continues on it's present course and remains true to it's pattern of claiming tired fads as their own, I'd say the above mentioned mosh pits are next. I, for one, would love to see what incarnation moshing would take on at a country show. So far, the closest they've gotten is line-dancing. But I'd imagine it would be pretty brutal..drunken rednecks aren't known to be gentle with each other. In fact, I think they are one of the few groups of non-metal folk who could hold their own in the aforementioned Slayer pit.

So in closing, that's my suggestion for the future of country music: Slayer style mosh pits. Or Slayer doing country songs. I'd give up a limb to hear Tom Araya screaming out a rendition of "Jesus Take The Wheel".

Journey of a Kidney Stone- Part II

2009-04-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

As I'm being wheeled into my room, the nurse asks me a couple of generic questions about the pain. She confidently says, "Sounds like a kidney stone". And while part of me is relieved it's more than likely nothing more relatively simple as that, another part of me was saying "Whoah! Let's not be so quick to diagnose and dismiss other things such as ebola..my insides feel like they're going to liquify and run out of me. Let's keep an open mind here, okay?"

I receive the standard open back gown to adorn myself with which I don't even bother tying. No way in hell I can navigate performing Boy Scout knot tying techniques behind my back in this condition.

About this time Maureen shows up, followed shortly by my step-father Bill. Maureen looks terrible. Poor thing! I find out she practically had a nervous breakdown on the way over. For one, I'm Mr. Healthy and it completely freaked her out that I'm suddenly being rushed to the hospital. She's seen me in a doctor's office maybe twice the entire time we've been together. And, on the more pracitcal side, thanks to the wonderful tanking economy I am unemployed and therefore without any sort of health insurance. And did I mention we have a baby on the way? So she's having visions of her new husband and father-to-be to her kid dying on the operating table in the middle of some major catastrophic surgery and the mailbox full of ridiculously large doctor bills. But by the time she got to the hospital she was calmed down and was actually relieved at the prospect of a kidney stone.

Another nurse comes in and asks, "On a scale of one to ten..." before she even finishes I blurt out "TEN!!" She writes some more notes in my chart. I get sent to pee in a cup and a nurse practioner in training is waiting for me when I come back. She's doing the preliminary check. And another nurse is getting me hooked up to an IV. At this point I've seen quite a few people but nobody with any drugs. I'm tired of answering questions and want some relief dammit!! I'm actually starting to feel a bit better. I still can't lay completely still because of pain, but I feel a tad more relaxed. I guess it was the psychological effect of finally being in the hospital to get some treatment.

So now the room is full of people: Maureen, my Mom, Bill, a regular rotation of nurses and the billing lady who keeps popping in and out to get Maureen to fill out paperwork for the all important billing process. And I'm feeling kinda all warm and fuzzy inside, seeing everyone's genuine concern for my well-being. Oh wait....no, everyone OUT!! I feel "that" feeling in my throat again. I'm gonna get sick. Really sick. And my concern isn't that I don't want people watching me barf because I'm vain, I'm just worried I'm gonna set off a domino effect of sympathy barfing. I mean, the room is at capacity and it would just be a horrible, horrible scene if that happened, you know? Funny, but horrible. I sit straight up and Maureen notices right away,"You gonna be sick?". I nod and instantly she thoughfully shuts the curtain between me and the rest of the world. I grab my trusty Target barf bag. (On a side note, if anyone from Target is reading this, you could make a killing selling Target barf bags with the Target bullseye logo at the bottom of the bag. Consider it.) I let loose, so violently I miss the bag. And it's also about this time that I realize I had never taken my socks off, as my left sock is now soaked.

You realize the professionalism of these nurses as this is going on. They buzz around, doing their nursely things totally oblivious to the carnage happening a mere two feet away from them. I doubt I could perform my job so stoicly while someone was blowing chunks all over MY workplace. Bravo ladies, bravo. One casually hands me a brand new barf bag (an official hospital issue one..looks like a big blue condom) as Maureen bravely throws my old one away. I was kinda sad to see it go..we had been through alot together. My Mom starts giving me wet paper towels for me to attempt to clean myself up. Two barf bags later the intestinal seige stops and I collapse back onto the bed.

About this time, the official PA shows up with the trainee I saw earlier in tow. Big smiles from them and a "How are you feeling?" I appreciate the question, but really, a picture is worth a thousand words: I'm laying there, dried vomit on my chin, on my gown and all over my sock (and btw, how about letting a guy have a nice new gown to change into?). Ronald Peregoy, hell of a nice guy with awesome bedside manner. If I had a terminal disease I'd want him to break the news. With his warm smile, calm demeanor and a slap on the shoulder he'd make you feel a-okay with only having two weeks left to live....even make you feel guilty for stretching it out that long. I wish I could remember the nurses names and the NP in training as well, because they were all awesome. But my first reaction at the sight of this man is "Finally, the man with the DRUGS!". But instead of injecting me with something wonderful, he starts the same series of questions I've already answered. Yep, pain still a ten, still vomiting, still dying.

He sits down and tells me that there was alot of blood in the urine sample I gave, which is normal for a stone. Shards of flaming glass coated in pure evil ripping through your inside will do that (my words, not his). And based on my other symptoms, he's certain it was a stone. He set me up with a CT scan and said he was going to put in an order for pain and nausuea meds (Hallelujah). He said it was a specific type of pain med especially helpful with stones, so if it works that would further solidify the kidney stone diagnosis. And while I was happy that the ball was finally rolling on the drugs, I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't just inject me right there and THEN write the order? The cabinet with the good stuff was right next to the bed and obviously I feel less than stellar. I know, I know...protocol, rules, etc etc. All I know is I wanted to bust into that cabinet and bathe myself in the narcotic wonders that were locked behind those doors. It was all I could do not to throw myself onto it and scream like Moses, "Let my people go!!"

Talking to my wife and mother afterwards, the time that elapsed between the order being written and actually receiving the drugs was pretty short. Didn't feel that way. By this point I was like Rush Limbaugh searching for his lost bottle of Oxycontin...bloated, sweaty and moaning. It wasn't too long after this the doorway to my room was enveloped in a fine mist, I heard trumpets and my retinas were seared by a blinding golden light. And floating through the mist, two feet off the ground was a being wrapped in flowing robes and with giant eagles wings that flittered with the delicate grace of a butterfly. At least that's how I pictured the nurse once I realized she had arrived with my meds.

I don't remember what the meds were called and it doesn't matter, because in about an hour, I was going to get something much, MUCH better. But I'll talk about that when we come to it. In the meanwhile, these drugs did just what they said they were gonna do...I stopped hurting and I stopped throwing up. I could finally relax a bit. I don't think I had been able to sit still for at least three hours and it felt good to be able to stop thrashing around. The little beast inside that was gnawing through my organs was pacified finally.

Now where was everyone? All the administrative, nursing and physician staff wanted to do while I was wretching and begging for my life was ask me questions. Now I'm feeling good and ready to spill my life story along with all the government secrets I know and everyone has disappeared. That's okay though, I welcomed the break in the activity. The TV was on, Maureen , Mom and Bill are making small talk and I'm enjoying simply not dying. Like I said, stones are likened to giving birth. And I start thinking about all the women who give birth naturally with no medication of any kind. And then I think how stupid those women are. Who would put themselves through this kind of pain on purpose when there are wonderful, wonderful things that can take that pain away? I mean, there's no prize for being tough, you know what I'm saying? Your kid isn't any less likely to turn out to be the next Charles Manson just because you chose to forego the epidural. But I digress.

Soon they whisk me away to take a CT scan of my abdomen. That's goes smoothly and I'm back in my room in no time. After a little while the medicine begins to wear off and the dull ache in my side begins to return. Just as I'm again considering breaking into the medicine cabinet, as if on cue, PA Peregoy comes back in to see how I'm doing. I tell him the pain is starting to creep back in and he says he's not surprised. He just viewed my scan and I definitely have a stone, about 2mm big. 2mm??? That's all???? Apparently that's on the smaller side; people usually have them from 2mm all the way on up to having to use dynamite to blast them out of the kidney. He says he's going to give me something stronger for the pain and then send someone in to get an X-ray, so if I have to come back they can track the progress the stone is making through my urinary tract.

The nurse returns and injects something called Dilaudid into my IV. Now, I've heard that folks in the medical biz call Dilaudid "street heroin" because it's so powerful. I call it "Ambrosia of Unicorn Tears Dusted with Angel Laughter with Droplets From the Breath of Baby Bunnies Strained Through the Hair of Forest Nymphs." In less than a minute of the needle reaching my IV, my body feels like my blood has turned to lead and my head flops back like I have a spring in my neck. The nurse asks if I'm feeling a bit woozy. I replied some sort of affirmation..not sure what language I spoke it in though. Probably one I learned from the creatures I was now communing with from the Realm of the Opiate Fairies.

They sent an X-ray tech directly to my room with a portable X-ray machine. Pretty cool..I didn't know they could do that! Of course they could've sent in a sno-cone machine at that point, I didn't care..I was pretty much cool with everything at that point. The X-ray went smooth and without incident.

Now righteously medicated and with the problem diagnosed, the process began to get me out of there and back home. Saint Peregoy returned and told me he was going to give me prescriptions for three things: Flomax- they give to to guys with prostate trouble, but it's also great for stones as it widens the urethra allowing the stone to pass more easily. Then Phenegren for nausea and next the motherload...Dilaudid in pill form! Hell yeah. I must've asked him three times if it was going to be enough. All I could think about was the misery I had experienced hours earlier and I was gonna be damned if I was going to do THAT again. It was impossible to tell when exactly I would pass it..it could be in a few hours or a few weeks. In the worse case scenario, I wouldn't pass it and a urologist would have to manually remove it. All I wanted was enough drugs to be covered until the lil bastard left me so I didn't wind up in the condition I was in earlier in the morning. Because as you might've gathered, it was kinda unpleasant.

They also gave me what was basically a motor oil funnel with a screen on the end that I had to urinate through so I could catch the stone. So I was armed with my medicine and my urine strainer and the time had come for me to leave. I had survived. And my prognosis for continuing to be alive was good.

Again, I wish I could remember the names of the nurses that attended to me because they were awesome. I actually looked at every one of their name tags while I was there, because I was convinced I was going to die and figured one of them could be the angel of death in disguise. So I was checking the tags for the name "Grim Reaper". And I only remembered PA Ronald Peregoy's name beacause I had the bill handy with his name was on it. It's not that their names weren't worth remembering. They more than were and are, I'm just horrible with names. I had to double check my wife's name while I was writing this. I don't think she'd like being referred to as "that chick I live with that has the nice rack."

EPILOGUE:

Thankfully, I passed the stone the very next day. And thanks to the FloMax they gave me, it was absolutely painless. Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode where Kramer has the kidney stone and passes it while he's at the circus? He screams so loud the entire big top hears him. That's what I was expecting, but I'm grateful it was much more anti-climatic than that. That also meant I didn't have to use the strainer anymore. I was glad because everytime I had to pee I felt like I should be wearing a prospector's hat.

The stone is a mean looking SOB. It was every bit of 2mm just like they said. And looking at it closely, that was more than big enough. A kidney stone basically looks like a puffer fish..big and round with spikes jutting out of it all over. Lots of times soldiers, cops and other folks who have been shot will put the slug that got them on a chain to wear around their necks as a good-luck charm so nothing like that ever happens to them again. Sort of a protective talismen. I still have my stone and should do something like that...it's kinda like a bullet, but one that tries to shoot OUT of your body rather than into it.

So, of course, having been through this ordeal I wanted to make sure it would never happen again. I read up on stones as much as I possible could. In learning what causes them I figured out why I got mine..by being a dumbass. During the weeks leading up to my stone, I had been drinking pretty much nothing but coffee all day long. I had maybe a single glass of water a day, the rest was coffee. I was also working out quite regularly. So between all that, I was pretty dehydrated. I had been complaining the previous week about feeling dried out and my bladder had actually begun to feel a bit funny. Hmmmmm....I need some coffee to flush it out! I'll be right as rain in a few days. Nope. Not even close. I deserved that stone. I forged it crystal by crystal with coffee and stupidity, just like Marley and his chain from A Christmas Carol.

Now I'm friggin Aqua Man. I drink so much water everyday now my pee could be re-bottled and sold by Poland Springs it's that clear. You could read a book through my urine stream. I've also changed my diet a bit as some of the things I liked to eat alot helped contribute to it. I've had to lower significantly my intake of such things as spinach, nuts, any type of berry juice, orange juice and chocolate. Yes chocolate. That in and of itself should be enough motivation to take care of yourself.

I mentioned earlier in the story that I had no health insurance. Not long after I passed Satan (as I've come to call the stone), the bills began to arrive. All told, that little piece of calcium deposit is costing us around $5000.

Lastly, I again want to thank the staff at Fauquier Hospital for being so great and making the worst day of my life just a bit more pleasant. And a big thank you to my Mom for getting me to the hospital when I needed it most...well, eventually, after she figured out how to adjust the seat in my truck. And of course, my wife Maureen for falling all over herself taking care of me when we got home.

Recently I read where someone described that having been through a stone, it's like you're now in a special club that people who have never had one can't truly understand. Now being a member of that special club I tell the rest of you it's a club you NEVER want to be a member of. So in closing, drink LOTS of water. In case you missed it, I'll say it again...drink LOTS OF WATER. And if you're one of the unlucky people who do get one, remember to bring a change of socks with you to the hospital.

Journey of a Kidney Stone- Part I

2009-04-03T09:23:00.001-04:00

I've often heard that a kidney stone is like giving birth. But I've also heard women who have given birth say that they'd rather do that again than ever have another stone.

I recently had my first kidney stone experience and it's one I'm not planning on repeating......ever. The pain cannot be described. I've pulled muscles, broken bones, been stung by bees, bitten by animals, been punched, been cut by a knife, hit my funny bone and been kicked in the testicles. I have alot of tattoos. And yeah, they hurt getting them. But tattoo pain by comparison runs the gamut of a sting, pretty uncomfortable to just annoying. A kidney stone will make you it's bitch. It's crying, begging, wanna-put-bamboo-shutes-under-my-fingernails-to-take-my-mind-off-the-pain bitch.

My tale begins on the morning of Feb.25 2009. It was a typical morning; I saw my wife Maureen off to work and just finished up a breakfast of oatmeal and coffee. Headed off to the bathroom to conduct my morning business. And that's when it happened, the sharp, unyielding radiating ache in my right side, from my ribcage to my hip. Front to back as well.

"Hmmm, that's curious, I'll just walk it off" I thought to myself. (Well, I'm not sure what I exactly thought. Honestly it was probably more like, "Holy ******* ****, this hurts!!"). I had worked out pretty hard the day before and thought I had pulled something. But as I continued to "walk it off", all I succeeded in doing was skyrocketing my heartrate and breaking out in a cold sweat. Before I knew it my walk had turned into a mild jog as it was too painful to be still.

So I did what any husband who's in pain who do..I called to whine to my wife. Now, I NEVER complain about pain. I might make a mention of it once in awhile, but I've always just dealt with it and have never used it as a tool to get attention. So when I called her to get some attention for my pain, she knew I was seriously hurting. I needed her to tell me what the hell what going on. She works in at a dermatologist office, but I didn't care...there were freakin' MD's in that building and somebody had to know SOMETHING. My wife is infinitely smarter than I am and I figured between her and the doctors they could figure out what was wrong with me. She was just getting to work so she said she'd call me right back when she got into the office.

In the interim I turned to the other place people go to get answers, the internet. I pulled up the almighty Google and put in "Right Side Pain". The first site I opened up had a chart with various symptoms and possible diagnosises like Appendicitis, Gall Stones, Pancreatitis and other lovely afflictions. Bottom line, the recommended course of treatment for them all was pretty much "get off the internet you schmuck and get to the ER right NOW." Great. Even if I wanted to read more I couldn't as the waves of pain made it impossible to sit in front of the computer any longer and I was practically flipping somersaults in agony as it was.

Meanwhile my cold-sweating continues, soaking me and my heart is about to beat out of my chest. And then the worst thing in the world happened. I suddenly noticed the back of my throat felt funny. Hey, I think I just might...YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK! Yep, I threw up. I hurt so bad I threw up. If there's one thing I hate in this world it's vomiting and if I even get the hint I may get sick I'll fight it with every fiber in my being. But this happened so fast I didn't even feel it coming. My body just went, " Hey man, this is gonna happen NOW."

Maureen calls me back and I whimper about getting sick. She suggests it's a pulled muscle and advises me to lay on a heating pad while she goes and tracks down one of her doctors to confer with. Okay, will do. We hang up but not before I tell her I love her because I'm pretty sure from the degree of pain I was never going to talk to her again. I'm able to lay on the heating pad for MAYBE two minutes total. The pain is compeletly unrelenting and it's hard to stay on the pad when you're rolling all over the rest of the bed like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

At this point, I was pretty convinced I was gonna die. And I wouldn't have minded to be honest. But I knew without a doubt I had to get to a hospital. I needed drugs, surgery, a hammer to the head...anything to get the pain and, now, vomiting to cease. So I called the NEXT person in line a guy calls after his wife to cry to...his Mommy. My mom lives just up the road from me. She answers the phone with a happy, sing-songy "Hel-lo!", obviously happy that her son that she hardly ever sees even though he lives less than a mile away is finally calling her. I get right to the point, "I need you to take me to the hospital". Without hesitation she says, "Okay. I'll be right down." I've never uttered those words to anyone ever. She knew I meant it! Maureen calls back and I just say, "I'm going to the hospital". "Okay, I"ll meet you there".

My mother was down in a flash and we were in my truck getting ready to pull out to go to the hospital. The hospital was a 20 min. drive away. I was still in agony but I felt just a tad better knowing I was about to be on my way to getting this thing, whatever it was, taken care of. Okay, on the way. Any minute now. Here we go. My Mom pulls off two feet then stops,

"How do you adjust the seat?"

"It's on the side."

"Which switch?"

"The big one."

The seat goes up.

"No the other one Mom."

The seat tilts forward.

"No the other one Mom."

She finds it. Okay, here we go! Two more feet.

"How do you adjust the steering wheel?"

"It's on the steering column Mom".

The hazard lights pop on.

"No, the other side Mom".

Mercifully, she remembers she's taking her dying, melting on the inside, creature-from-ALiens-about-to-burst-out-of-his-gut son to the hospital and decides to forego the tilt switch on the steering wheel and get us on our way. And of ourse, Mom, I'm just giving you a hard time. I'm certain if you hadn't been so quick to get me on the road I would've just tried cutting out my right side with a kitchen knife to get it to stop.

The ride to the hospital seemed forever due to the pain, but like I said, I felt a bit better knowing I was on my way. I got sick twice en route, which I actually welcomed because while I was busy trying to wretch up the demon that had inhabited by body it took my mind away from the pain for a few moments. That's when I knew I was in serious pain, when I actually looked forward to puking.

Okay, hospital in sight! We pull in and within moments I'm in a wheelchair being pushed into the sweet, sweet ER. Through the doors and there's no body else in there. Sweet! We roll up to the check-in desk and as I'm awaiting the entire cast of ER, Scrubs and MASH to come out and whisk me away to the back to make me all better, the receptionist is lazily tapping away at her keyboard helping another lady that's standing there. With my trained amateur medical eye, this lady looks to be in perfect health. I'm the one sheet-white, trembling in a wheelchair clutching my plastic Target bag o'puke....some service please?

Tap-tap-tappity- tap-tap. Like she's writing a letter to her Grandma. Finally she smiles and lazily hands my mom a clipboard to put my info on. She prints something. Waiting.... world's slowest printer. Still waiting. Okay printing done. More care-free tap-tappity-tapping. Hey, I understand there's a protocol involved here and you gotta get my information. But let's just do this in reverse...just give me the friggin drugs lady and I'll tell you everything you wanna know. My dreams, hopes and aspirations, we can talk about it all. But after I'm sufficiently medicated, okay?

More tapping. As I shake, sweat and wait some more, I notice that the emergency waiting area I'm currently in has brand new carpet. Who puts carpet in an emergency waiting room? Isn't this the place where bleeding people, women squirting babies out and other folks with various oozing things are supposed to come? The guys at Stanley Steemer must make a killing. Anyway, I suddenly feel the now familiar sensation in my throat and fear that I'm about to christen the brand new carpet when finally the I.D. wristband is put on my wrist and I'm immediately taken back.