My Dragon Slayer List

Ben "Coach" Wade from the TV show Survivor is one interesting fella. Yep, in additon to being one of the biggest windbag's I've ever seen, he's apparently been up to some interesting things in in his life time. Among them: being held captive by a tribe of blood-thristy cannabilistic Pygme's (had to escape by "calling in a favor" to the military who sent in a chopper ASAP to rescue him), setting a world's record (of which there is no record of) in long-distance kayaking which in turn upon telling the story during a chance meeting with Tom Hanks, inspired the movie "Castaway". He also apparently knows a super secret form of Chinese martial arts that only him and the guy that taught it to him knows. Yes, he's braved the Amazon solo, conducts orchestras and is the pinnacle of honesty and integrity ( no matter that he got fired from his coaching job at Southwest Baptist University for faking a brain tumor).

So in the spirit of full disclosure that Coach so obviously lives by, I'd like to present my own Dragon Slayer List of accomplishments. Do not let your credulity be strained my friends, just know that I am simply cooler and more interesting than the rest of you:

1) The Bourne movie trilogy, Under Siege and the MacGyver TV series are all based on me. Yep, that's alot of bad-assery to accomplish in one lifetime, but them's the breaks.

2) I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. I know the JFK assassination happened 12 years before I was born, but I'm THAT good.

3) In order to accomplish #2, I fashioned a homemade device out of wire coathangers, bubble gum and pocket lint in order to travel back in time, which I called the Flux Capacitor. Inadvertently I inspired the Back To The Future franchise as well.

4) During my duties as Minister of Badass in the Congo, I was captured by Russian Commandos in disguise as Zebras and thrown into a pit of poisonous vipers, left to die. But I survived by learning the viper's language, thus being able to communicate with them, earning their trust and loyalty. Whilst in the pit, I created a deadly form of martial arts called Snake Kune Do based on the efficient movements of the slinky reptiles. I trained with my viper bretheren as I formulated my plan of escape. In the end, I took my revenge upon my Russian captors by climbing up a rope I patiently made from shedded snake skins and leading my Serpent Army into pitched combat.

5) I am the one man Chuck Norris fears.

6) I stay healthy from the sweet nectar of young flowers in my coffee brought directly to me fresh every morning by hummingbirds.

7) I wrote the songs that make the whole world sing.

8) I was able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

9) 9/11 was just a botched assassination attempt on me. I live with that guilt everyday.

10) Salma Hayek's baby is really mine.

-Jim