Jim's Fashion Rules

I don't have much fashion sense nor do I care to. I find the world of fashion devoid of anything redeeming in humanity. Having said that, as a person living in the real world and having to be forced to contend with the outbreaks of various trends I see around me, I DO have a few fashion observations of my own:



If you're over the age of 12 and wear your ball cap backwards, to the side or anyway else but straight forward, you look like an imbecile. Grow up and turn that thing around.



Guys: let's all just take off the necklaces okay? The 70's was a long time ago. And let's give the diamond studs in your ears to your wives/girlfriends. I have earrings myself, nothing against guys with earrings. But guys in diamonds are pussies. Not to mention a bit creepy in that date-rapist kinda way. Sorry, no exceptions.



Shirts should never be tucked in when wearing shorts. It screams, "I'm comfortable, but still REAL uptight".



Rock T-shirts and sports jerseys are not to be tucked in...ever. EVER.



If you're a few years out of the military but are still sporting the haircut, time to try something new.



Let's stop with the God-wear please. Enjoy your faith, be proud, whatever. But stop treating your faith like a rock band and cheapening the sanctity of it by slapping it on a T-shirt. It's obnoxious and trust me, you're not "spreading the word", you're just annoying people.



All you "rebellious" folk in the combat boots, dark-rimmed glasses and wildly colored hair..you're not so rebellious. You're just conforming on the other side of the spectrum. Nice job and enjoy your uniform. And spending $100-200 on Doc Martens at Hot Topic or Journeys isn't that rebellious is it? Giving your money to a big business is what it is. How indie. Slum on down to the thrift shop or Army Surplus store like REAL punks had to do back in the day, okay rebel?

Obama shirts. To quote Bill Mahr, "Hey, I like Obama too. But let's not make a religion out of it."
I like Obama, but I hate to see anybody glorifying ANY politician. Because after all, he's still a politician. Black people, you get a year extension as far as wearing Obama images goes...the first African-American President is a big deal and a historical milestone. Celebrate and be proud. But a year will tell us if he's going to actually be any good or if it was all smoke and mirrors. You get another six months if things are going well. White people, time to dump the shirts...your shoulders must be sore from patting yourselves on the back for voting for the black guy.

Guys who are really, really skinny or really flabby, out of shape wearing a wife-beater out in public. Big, in shape guys who wear wife-beater's in public are douche-y because they're just trying to show off, impress people and are basically insecure. But at least they can fill one of those out in the correct places of the garment.

Extremely out of shape people in athletic/work-out clothing. Okay, I understand that may be the only comfortable thing you can squeeze into. But nothing calls attention to how unhealthy you are than athletic clothes hanging off a completely unathletic body. This goes for the trendy Affliction shirts as well..most people I see in these things would die of coronary failure within two minutes inside the octagon.

Those super tight and skinny emo jeans. They just look uncomfortable. But most emo guy's balls have yet to drop, so I guess there's room a-plenty.



And these are things that instantly put you in douchbag territory:

A faux hawk.

Men: flip-flops with long pants.

A polo shirt with the collar flipped up.

An eyebrow ring.

Clothes ridiculously too big for them.

Clothes ridiculously too small.

Camoflauge outside of hunting activities (WTF???)

Anybody who wears a T-shirt of a band they don't own at least one album from.

To narrow it down even more, anybody who sports Motorhead or Ramones colors and can't name at least five songs from each band, one of which ISN'T "I Wanna Be Sedated" or "Ace Of Spades". Yeah, those bands are cool. But what's even cooler is actually listening to them.

Crocs. Unless you are a nurse or are over 50.

Tye-dye. There, I said it.

Sunglasses worn indoors will get you a first-class ticket on the train to Doucheville.

Young guys in fedoras. You don't look stylish, slick or at all sophisticated. You look like you got lost in your Grandpa's closet.